These Boobs Are Made For Walking

Small-Chested Drivers OK in Vietnam

"HANOI, Vietnam (Oct. 30)- Faced with mounting public criticism, Vietnam's Health Ministry suspended a widely ridiculed plan to ban short, thin and small-chested drivers.

When the media revealed the plan this week, it prompted disbelief and scorn among members of the public, who envisioned the police pulling over female drivers to measure their breasts."

First off.. Police have been pulling women over to measure breasts for centuries. That's just science and you can't argue with science.

Secondly don't forget to vote for the "36 24 36" bill this election day. We don't want our streets cluttered with flat chested women. This is America!

iDorks

"LOL People on digg think we stole these displays from apple lol. But we didnt its just an LCD tv hooked into a video ipod. We edited the display video and cut out all the zoom out shots we dont work for apple or anything. I'm a DJ and Bobby is in a rock band. Thats part of the ponytail thing lol."

Someone likes to LOL... Anybody wanna carpool to go punch these two idiots in their playlist button? That's the only "LOL" that I can get from this.

Of course Bobby is in a rock band! He has a flippin ponytail dude! My nana has a ponytail.. and of course she's also in a rock band so this all makes sense. I wonder if Bobby uses those sweet sweet robot moves when he's thrashin hard on stage? Don't let me forget to ask him before I push him over in his stupid costume.

Sleeping Mask Helps You Look Stupid. Not That You Needed Help.

"For drowsy train commuters afraid of sleeping past their stop, inventor and manga artist Pyocotan has developed “Noriko-san,” a sleep mask with an electronic scrolling display that communicates the wearer’s destination to fellow passengers.

Noriko-san is designed to give sleepyheads greater peace of mind (and thus a deeper level of sleep) by increasing the odds that a stranger will wake them in time. In theory, other passengers feel compelled to act either out of courtesy or simply so they can sit in the empty seat left behind."

Really?? You know what we call sleeping passengers on the train where I'm from?? "victims"

Let's just say I'm not armed and don't plan on stealing this man's Sears card... I certainly plan on fuckin with him and waking him up one stop too late. Why not? That's a pretty cheap price to pay considering.

Hey we'd all like a little catnap/good Samaritan combo but such is life.



Photo: pinktentacle.com

Dude We Get It. You're a DJ

"The idea for the DJ Mobile is inspired
by the song "God is a DJ" [from faithless] and the car of our HOLY-POPE.
These two things were mixed together and there it was the DJ Mobile.
The DJ Mobile is a functional artwork with a PA System built in.
It can be used for a lot of different events."

Raise your hand if you know a DJ... Ok the entire planet raised it's hand. But to try to do a DJ/Pope-mobile hybrid is pretty ridiculous even for a DJ. And I'm no DJ car scientist but I think the speaker to cab ratio is a little much... who's with me?

How bout this.. when the Pope starts doing weddings and bar mitzvahs we'll talk about you driving around blaring Kool & The Gang's 'Celebration'. Deal? k good.

Wait... it just said it can be rented out. Oh snap! Christmas carolin' is gonna be a whole new experience for my neighborhood. And you're welcome.


Photo: olafmooij.com

Where the F*** Is My Plant?

Did you lose your plant? Well that makes two of us.

This crazy plant robot seeks out sun in your house and soaks it up to stay alive. Which is a good thing because, if solely dependent on me, that sucker wouldn't have a chance.

My only problem is that we have a doggy door and that sunnabitch took off. I knew at some point robots would outsmart us I just didn't think it would cost me my hibiscus. Robot one: Scooter zero.



Photo: Playcoalition.net

Round Pool Table Complete With Stripper Pole

I have an entirely new visual for "eight ball corner pocket". Thanks ballerhouse.com.

Drinkin & Drivin. Minus Jail and Court. Sounds Alright... I Guess

"The Octane 120 is the ultimate in home arcade gaming, and combines three things every adult gamer wants: classic arcade games, arcade-style racing, and a beer tap to get your favorite beverage without having to get out of the seat. Our High-end gaming PC is powerful enough to play today’s games and the unit comes with 12 classis and modern driving games."

Need practice at your drinking and driving?? Don't we all.. oh that reminds me I need to send a 'thank you' note to my neighbor for letting me park in her kitchen.. sweet lady.

I'm a little disappointed that I sent this idea to Ford and it wasn't brought to life for my Festiva. Maybe I wasn't clear enough on the beer tap console. Hindsight... am I right?

After springing the $7,000 for this necessary structure.. my only advice to the arcade scientists is that you make the driver seat recline. Nothing like passing out face first in the steering wheel to make your chiropractor give you "the talk"... again.

Miss Dot Com To You

Teen's New Name Is CutoutDissection.com

"ASHEVILLE, N.C. (Oct. 13) - You can call her CutoutDissection.com, Cutout for short, but just don't call her Jennifer. The former Jennifer Thornburg — now legally CutoutDissection.com — wanted to do something real to protest animal dissections in schools.
The 19-year-old's new name is also the Web address for an anti-dissection page of the site for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, where she is interning.


"I normally do have to repeat my name several times when I am introducing myself to someone new," she told The Asheville Citizen-Times for a story last week. "Once they find out what my name is, they want to know more about what the Web site is about."

Really? You have to repeat your name several times?? Is it that they can't hear you over the sound of their eyes rolling?? Cause that's my guess.

CutoutDissection.com... can I call you Idiot for short? ok good. I can't help but think you're going to regret this decision. I mean sure it's funny to think about changing you name but when it happens it starts to seem like maybe someone went to far.

Trust me on this... after having to change all of my utility bills and monogram towels to "Cash Money" I realized it really wasn't worth it.

Its scares the shit out of me that people can change their name to a URL address. I have a feeling that I'm going to end up with a friend named "TwoGirlzOneKup.com". Matter fact I'd put money on it.


Story: Associated Press

2 Tacos Extra Cheese... Hold The Pot

Colo. couple get marijuana with order of tacos

"LAKEWOOD, Colo. – A Colorado couple found an unusual topping on their order of tacos: a small bag of marijuana.

They discovered the drugs with their order from a Del Taco restaurant and called police, said Lakewood police spokesman Steve Davis.

Twenty-six-year-old Dennis Klermund, who police say waited on the husband when he picked up food Oct. 16, faces charges of possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia."

My buddy, Greg, just went to Del Taco demanding the "happy" meal. I see disappointment in his future.

I can understand calling the police if they put a grenade or an endangered species on your taco.. but come on. Everyone knows at least one pothead right? No?? Ok I'll give you that one, but it still rings true.. no one likes a tattle tale.

I hope you're happy "Colorado Couple"... Dennis will never have a career in fast food aga..... haha I couldn't finish that with a straight face.

Space Travel. The Not Fun Kind.

Micro spacecraft to blast single brave rider into space

"They're calling this rocket HEAT, or Hybrid Exo Atmospheric Transporter, and it'll propel a human into space at a relatively gentle 3g force, hardly enough to break even the fragilest of legs. The quarters will be cramped, with the astronaut strapped into the pressurized compartment so tightly, only limited arm movement will be possible. Not exactly a limo ride, but maybe it'll be cheap.

This is one of two upcoming craft from the Danish aerospace startup — the other vehicle will be the unmanned Hybrid Atmospheric Test Vehicle, a 1/3-scale sounding rocket that will test the company's new rocket engines. That motor is off to a good start, passing its first test earlier this week."

Call me crazy but this looks like it could go horribly wrong. When I think space travel I certainly don't think bank drive-thru tube or CAT scan.

First off I'm not traveling through space alone. I need at least 2 sidekicks and a cooler. This contraption clearly doesn't meet those requirements. Also, where is the fun in no gravity if I'm strapped in like a mental patient. God forbid I get an itch!

Oh and don't even get me started on the bathroom questions I have. Seriously...



Photo & Quote: dvice.com

Gear Heads... Not The Cool Kind.

"The Remote Wrangler has taken a novel approach to remote control storage that will be sure to take the world by storm, head first. Remote Wrangler can also be used to store Ipods, cell phones and even video game controllers. Currently, only 2 styles are available for this unorthodox headgear but others are sure to follow."

Concerned about losing remotes but not about losing friends? Can't find the perfect accessory to go with your stained "Tron" t-shirt and Hanes sweatpants? Then the Remote Wrangler is right up your alley. Talk about really using your head.. (ugh I hate myself).

The one and only calorie burning activity that the customers of this ridiculous product had, I'm assuming, is looking for the remote. Take that metabolism!

I love how they claim this will "take the world by storm"... Then explain why my top hat/wine rack hybrid never went anywhere? Yeah.. exactly.

*top hat/wine rack gear - patent pending*


Photo: AmericanInventorSpot.com

The Mouse That Speaks Volumes About Your Sex Life

"Sexy Mouse"

Be the talk of the office... and probably the talk of the HR dept.

This is a horrible learning tool for men to learn about women's breast. So I hear. First there was the peanut butter lid motion, then "tune in Tokyo", now the repetitive clicking of a mouse.

If you get a chance to be with a girl (and I'm assuming if this is your mouse you don't get these opportunities often) please avoid double clicking her to 2nd base. It won't end well. Trust us.. we're mavericks here at "Scooter Is The New Block". By "mavericks" I mean we get our tips from hookers. God Bless Em!



Photo: thisnext.com

The Village Found It's Idiot

Call centre worker caught out by boss after posting 'sickie' plan on 'Facebook'

"After a particularly heavy night out Kyle Doyle decided that he would phone in sick and treat himself to a day in bed.

To celebrate his day off Kyle, a 21-year-old call centre worker, updated the status on his Facebook page to reflect the fact.

Unfortunately for Kyle, his online boast did not go unnoticed by his employers.

On his profile on the site he wrote: 'not going to work, f*** it i'm still trashed SICKIE WOO.'

Now an email exchange between Kyle and the HR department at the call centre where he worked has been forwarded around the world.

When Kyle protests that his absence was because he was ill, the HR employee simply forwards him a clip of his Facebook profile."

Kyle Kyle Kyle... Here at 'Scooter Is The New Black' we're all for gettin "SICKIE WOO" trashed (trust us) but with great power comes great responsibility.

Maybe when we get wasted and lie to people we should be a little more stealth.

The fact that he didn't realize his awesomeness even when he sobered up is great. I think someone learned a little lesson in the interweb... Like don't request your boss to be friends on Facebook just so you can look like people like you. This will bite you in your sickie woo ass.

Sadly I have a strong feeling that Kyle is sitting in a pub high fiving his douche head friends because he's famous. And his mom is sporting a "Team Kyle" t-shirt.. *sigh*





Photo: dailymail.co.uk/

Bang-Go Your Way Out Of Being Cool

The Bang-Go is an amazing (not really) product that allows you to adorn your head with this visor/baseball cap hybrid.

Ladies do you want to go out but you've come to realize your bangs are the only attractive feature you have?

Guys do you want to make sure women know you have hair but still prove to them you have bad taste?

Well you're both in luck! Horrify the fashionistas of the world with your very own Bang-Go!


Photo: Bang-go.com

Guitar Girl

I'm speechless.



And wishing I sprung the extra $15.95 for overnight shipping.




Photo and Inventor: Lou Reimuller

Oh My Damn!

According to newscientist.com

Packs of robots will hunt down uncooperative humans

"What we have here are the beginnings of something designed to enable robots to hunt down humans like a pack of dogs. Once the software is perfected we can reasonably anticipate that they will become autonomous and become armed.

We can also expect such systems to be equipped with human detection and tracking devices including sensors which detect human breath and the radio waves associated with a human heart beat. These are technologies already developed."

WHAAAAAAT! Two things I've never wanted to hear in the same sentence.. "robots" and "hunt down humans like a pack of dogs". I can't even handle that floor vacuum robot when it's moving towards me.. this new one is going to give me an aneurysm!

There's only one way to handle this... I need to befriend these killa robots, become a bookie and never worry about anyone stiffin me. You just read the blue print for a 'rags to riches' story. *goosebumps*


Photo: Newscientist.com

Robot Bartender (!!)

"Digital Beverages MyFountain XL

This robo-bartender takes orders, mixes cocktails, and then cleans up. Beneath the countertop dispenser, a dorm-style refrigerator holds up to 12 types of alcohol and mixers, plus a water-line link and a carbon-dioxide cartridge for fizz.

Atop the fridge sits the brain: an Internet-linked Windows XP computer. Enter new recipes on the touchscreen or on a personalized Web page, where you can also trade formulas with your friends.

Tap the screen to select a drink, say, the Martini and pumps send each ingredient up a tube to the nozzle, which mixes and pours them. While you imbibe, a pulse of hot water cleans the nozzle. A leftover droplet of water plugs each tube to keep the flavor from dripping into your next glass.”

EUREKA! I've been waiting for a robot bartender for like EVER! Kane and I went to Coinstar and cashed in our savings to purchase this bad boy.

It has a few pros worth noting:

1) It lets you make new drinks whenever they come to mind.
2) It doesn't refuse things like ketchup or Palmolive as ingredients.
3) It will pour the drink directly in your mouth.

Now being the fair journalist that I am, there's a few cons worth pointing out:

1) It doesn't take my keys when I decide to make a "run for the border".
2) It does not keep me from trying to make out with the video poker game.
3) It doesn't back up my "I'm British Royalty" story.

Just a few pieces of constructive criticism for the robot scientists.

I'll be looking out for Robot Bartender v2.0







Photo: Greg Neumaier

Sunroof Minus The Sun

Hey fellas, having a problem getting chicks with your 95 Altima because you didn't spring for the sunroof? Did cutting a hole in your last roof prove to be a big headache and just not worth it to impress the ladies? Well your problems are solved (you wish).

Here you have a magnetic faux sticker thing. It's all illusion and all crap.

I have no advice for how you get people not to steal your 'sunroof' but chances are the culprits won't get far as they lay in laughter next to your car. Good luck!

Photo: haha.nu

Wild Women Of Whippoorwill

I just received this video from a friend of "Scooter Is The New Black", Chantal, and it's a funny watch. I found the lady behind the camera quite infectious. My dad always said "when a smoker lady laughs, an angel gets it's wings." Or something like that.


We used to play this game in college. Only with out the plunger and you know... pants.

The Homeless: "Pimp My Cart"

I gave Kane some homework. That homework involved him making me a list of the top 10 needs of a homeless person. Guess what didn't make the list? A fucking reclining cart!

Lab.kz spent time and money helping the homeless. How very nice of them. Then they really got in touch with their target market and advertised this gem on the internet. 'SWISH'

With the holidays around the corner it's good to know that I have Crazy Pirate Joe covered.

inSPOT Hits the Infected Spot

Tired of making those pesky phone calls to drop the STD bomb on your many partners? Embarrassed when you realize how low your standards have gotten when you come face to face to break this glorious news? Well you spoke up and someone listened!

inSPOT is a social networking site for your VD. You tell it what you caught and who you wiggled around on and they send out an email for you. Done and done.


Here's a few tips provided by the site:

"TIPS ABOUT THE SITE

* Notify everyone you've had sex with in the past six months. Oral sex counts, too.
* Try looking through your old emails and your online address book to complete the list.
* If you decide to compose a personal message, put yourself in the other person's shoes. Think about how you were told—what you liked and what you didn't—and put the best of it into words.
* You don't have to provide detailed medical info—this email card will automatically provide links to what they need to know.
* You can send postcards anonymously or from your email address. Historically, when you tell a sex partner(s) yourself, it's more likely s.he will "hear" the message and get tested.
* No information will be collected or shared with any public or private agency."

Ok first off the last thing I get from a hook up is their email address. I hide behind Myspace and Facebook like everyone else. Secondly I'm pretty sure writing a personal note is the last thing I'd want to do. "Hey...um... you. Remember that awesome night out with the laughing and the good times? Well turns out it cost ya a little more than a $128 bar tab. My bad. Oh, and I'm gonna need your sister's email address."

Talk To The Back Window

"Driving LED Emoticon

The battery powered device is attached to your back window. You have a wireless remote up front that you can attach to the dash board, in the console, or you can have it free, in your pocket or something. From there, you can choose from 5 optons.

1. Happy Face
2. Sad Face
3. Thanks
4. Back Off
5. Idiot"

This is genius! Seriously. Remember when they made those 'Baby On Board' back window signs and we took it one step further and made one for everything possibly funny that could be on board? 'Jewish Mother In Law In Trunk' and other gems like that.

I see a hot trend about to break. Kane and I did some research and found the most obvious new LED signs:

1. The obligatory middle finger sign
2. "Kiss My Grits"
3. "You give me a boner"
4. "Back Off - I'm Uninsured"

Trust me the last one works. I've been doing that for years with a bottle of white shoe polish. Haven't had to brake check anyone since.

New Reason To Want The Window Seat

According to Coolestgadgets.com

"Well, this new invention are LED roof tiles which, in addition to protecting the home from the elements, can now send air travelers a message. Made by Lambert Kamps, these transparent roof tiles have LEDs built in which can also generate mosaics of text, pictures, and any other graphical color content the home owner desires. The images can also be animated giving any message atop of the roof punch. And all powered by a series of self contained solar-photovoltaic cells."

Now American Airlines is going to know how I really feel about them losing my luggage. Take that "cease and desist" letter!

Tomb Knocker

"Just in time for Halloween, Japan's Solid Alliance has unveiled the USB Key Skull Ring. Available in black, silver, pink, gold, purple and blue, the tiny storage device is perfect for the geek who also fancies himself as a dark lord of the night, or just someone looking for a techie accessory for their Halloween outfit. Packing a full 2 gigabytes of gothic style memory capacity, you can pick up the ring for just $145.50 here."

WAIT WAIT WAIT! Did it just say I could get this for $145.50?! I'll take one in each color please.

psst.. I saw a 'non data storage' one at the mall for $3.99. Just throwin that out there.

Maybe THIS explains why Criss Angel adorns his hands with all of those ugly rings. He just wants to carry his family vacation photos and the second draft of his term paper everywhere he goes. I knew we'd get to the bottom of that.. cause ain't no way he thought it was just "cool".

Pumpkin Propaganda

"This Halloween you'll probably carve up a pumpkin with a goofy face. So did Alan Penner from Goleta, California, but his is geeky enough to join us here at the DVICE Tower with its instant-messenger-style smiley charm."

Someone needs a break from the computer. When I think "what the hell am I gonna carve into my pumpkin", I don't think the on button to my PS3.

Leave it to geeks to ruin a cool holiday for me. What's next christmas trees shaped like a motherboard? Thanksgiving turkey carved into a robot?? Ok the turkey one does sound awesome.. But still. Why can't you be like everyone else and carve a drunk puking pumpkin for me and Kane to come steal and run over with our car?

Kane and I just went and scored us some pumpkins. And to answer your question... Yes getting hammered, stealing the hayride tractor and starting an impromptu parade downtown does count as a 'DUI'. Who knew?

WTF Is WTF?

"Last year, state officials notified nearly 10,000 holders of license plates with the letter combination "WTF" that they could get a replacement at no charge after officials learned that the combination is a common acronym in text messaging for a vulgar phrase, "What the ..."

But while tracking down the errant plates, no one at the Division of Motor Vehicles checked their own Web site. "WTF-5505" is shown as a sample of a personalized plate.

"I can't believe it," DMV Commissioner Bill Gore said Monday when alerted to the situation. "Obviously, I didn't know it was there.

The DMV was alerted to the vulgar message last July when a 60-year-old technology teacher from Fayetteville complained about the plate. Her teenage grandchildren clued her in."

Well it looks like DMV is way ahead of the... wait? They just figured out what 'WTF' stands for? I mean my grandpoppy doesn't know what it means but he thinks corn is a hearty meal and does NOT work for DMV. So he's off the hook.

I love that it was a 60 year old that blew the whistle on this situation. I know someone that's not going to have to wait 4 hours in the wrong line anymore.

Now that DMV is wising up I'm starting to worry my 'PHUKUIRS' plate is in jeopardy. Oh well, it was worth it.

Ode To Laptop

"Now available online from DataVision is the Asus F6V scented laptop that comes in such fragrances as floral blossom, morning dew, blue ocean, and dark musk. For a mere $1275, you can garner attention with the F6V’s striking color patterns and the odoriferous fragrance that emanates from the LCD cover. For those actually considering such a unique laptop, the specs are not too bad: Intel Core 2 Duo Processor 2.26GHz, 13.3″ LCD Display, 4GB DDR2 800MHz RAM, 320GB SATA Hard Drive, and Windows Vista Home Premium."

I'm showing this to you against my will because they have yet to take my suggestion and introduce the bacon scent one. It needed to be said.

It appears that some tech genius found a way to cover up the horrid scent of the online gamer dork and porn aficionado that won't shower. And on behalf of the rest of Starbucks, we'd like to say thank you.

Just Eat It!

"The Nike (Burger) Air Max 90, commissioned by Nike for design by Ole Hemmendorff and 7 other creative minds, is a shoe which might prove to be the tastiest footwear ever created. Hemmendorff claims that the shoe is designed with hamburger because the meat is “the most powerful, must durable and most delicious material known to man.” Now that’s a man who loves his beef."

So if you wanna walk around all day and feel like you've just stepped in shit then Nike's gotta surprise for you! Otherwise this is the dumbest thing I've ever seen.

What the hell is going on over at Nike these days? Did they fire all of the real designers and hire a bunch of stoners? Or maybe they were listening in on my late night drunk brain storming ideas and brought one of my "that would be f'n awesome" ideas to life. If that's the case I sure do hope Slip N Slide is working on the 'baby oil sprinkler' idea I had this weekend. Zero to 60 on a Slip N Slide... f'n awesome.

Baby Borrowers

Even though I placed gold in the Vodka Olympics this weekend, I still feel like I'm being punished. I'm forced to watch "weekend tv". It's always hard to pick between Lifetime or a Wings marathon but luck has it there was another choice.

I have just discovered the show "Baby Borrowers" and I have 2 words to describe it "gotdamn genius!" If you're not familiar with this show, they take terminally stupid teenage couples, that want to have babies, and give them stranger's kids to take care of. These couples have to juggle not just a toddler but also working and household responsibilities. The result... are you sitting down? They changed their mind about wanting a baby!

I personally don't understand why these teens WANT kids. Sure babies are good for laughing at, stealing stuff for you and allowing you to use the HOV lane, but beyond that they look like they're a big mess.

This show is a great learning tool if you have a teenage kid. Thanks to this reality check these kids can go back to trying to score pot and gettin wasted off their mom's White Zinfandel. Crisis averted!

Shed Unwanted Cool Points Fast!

Scooter is on the mend.. I think this empty bottle of Vodka laying in bed with me gave me the flu. That's the only explanation, I can think of, for why I feel like something a cat coughed up.

Not one to let people down, I've tried to find a way to continue writing without actually sitting all the way up. Low and behold! What have I found?

The "Boom Arm Starbase Workstation"! If the stupid name doesn't give it away that it was made for fat geek dudes that need a "hands free" time in bed, then maybe this pic will help seal the deal.

All I know is thanks to some lazy pervert I can continue working and never burn another calorie. USA!

Now That's Gangsta

If you ever feel like you're a bad parent, you may be right, but look you're not alone.

Lil Derrick, or as I like to call him 'future inmate number 9473558', earned himself a sweet ass GTA San Andreas birthday cake for accomplishing turning 4. Complete with it's very own stripper dollar bills starter kit. You know, for next years strip-o-gram b-day.

Good luck Lil Derrick.. You're gonna need it.

Economy Proof Hookers. God Bless 'Em!

The NY Daily News has a fascinating look at how the worlds oldest profession is fairing in the growing financial crisis.

"The market is down, business is down, but we feel it less," said Dylan, 24, a promotional model-turned-Manhattan prostitute. "We're still busy."

Dylan works for a Manhattan madam who runs a pair of prostitution dens north of Wall Street. Unlike the $4,000-an-hour girls of male fantasies or gubernatorial road trips, Madam Sadie's employees charge $260 for 60 minutes - or $160 for 30 minutes.

"The $1,000-an-hour girls are just not making it" with the economic downturn, the madam said. The faltering economy actually drove two of her newer employees to the madam's sex-peddling service from other careers."

It's good to know that the wealthy have to scale back and that even includes their paid sex budget. I feel a little closer to these rich folk now.

After looking at my poor 401K I've decided to move my money to the "mid-grade hooker call girl" fund. That exists right? Ok good.

I figured they'll always be in demand so long as there's Dungeons and Dragons and dad's that forgot their son's 18th b-day.



Do we even need to comment on the: "The market is down, business is down, but we feel it less."... yea I didn't think so.



Photo: nydailynews.com

That's One Holy Lunch

"The brainchild of industrial designer Sung Bae Chang, the Scan Toaster connects to your computer via USB and can burn pretty much whatever you want onto your bread. The toaster utilizes a network of toasting "modules" -- hot wires that rotate within a 30 degree radius -- that burn the image or text you have selected onto the delicious slice of your choice."

Oh snap! If I make 12 Virgin Marys and a few Jesus ones a day I can totally quit my job.. suck it health insurance! Well Kane, off to the kitchen, these magestic sammiches aren't going to make themselves.



Update: Kane ate them all and I'm in the market for employment.

Ginormous Burger: It's What's For Dinner

"In this Monday, Oct. 13, 2008 photo released by Denny's Beer Barrel Pub, Brad Sciullo of Uniontown, Pa., is seen before attempting to eat a 15-pound cheese burger with five-pounds of toppings including bun, lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, onions, mild banana peppers and a cup each of ketchup, mustard, relish, and mayonnaise at Denny's Beer Barrel Pub in Clearfield, Pa., Monday, Oct. 13, 2008. Sciullo finished the concoction in 4 hours and 39 minutes."

Kane could have done this in his sleep. He just wanted me throw that out there... done and done.

It's good to know in a struggling economy we're not wasting fo.... wait.

ps. Brad your cardiologist just called and wanted to thank you for the new vacation home in Del Boca Vista.


Photo: AP Photo/Logan Cramer, Denny's Beer Barrel Pub

Taxes On The Rocks

"Sodora founded Tavern Tax in 2005. For 10 weeks leading up to the April 15 deadline to submit U.S. income tax returns, he brings his tax-filing services to bars on weekday nights and weekend afternoons. At an Irish pub on Wednesday night, Sodora set up shop under a "Tavern Tax" sign with a fold-up table covered with a framed photo of laughing friends, his laptop and a lamp. One by one, clients relaxed in the chair across from him, handing over documents and sipping on beer. "I always say to people, 'Where's your beer? I can't have one but you can."

OMG! It's like someone gave me Christmas in April! I've always said "we should go to a bar with all our personal documents... get shit faced... and trust a stranger to do our taxes!".. ok maybe I haven't ALWAYS said that but I do now.

I like how he encourages you to drink. I'm 6 Jim Beams to the wind, he's 6 W-2's to the wind and now I owe more than I made last year. Oh this guy is good.

Say What?

"One of my favorite artists, Evan Roth, is working on a project that will be released soon - the pictures say it all, it's a "carry on" communication system. These metal places contain messages which will appear when they are X-Rayed. The project isn't quite done yet, Evan needs access to an X-Ray machine to take some photos and document. If you have access to an X-Ray machine he's willing to give you a set of the plates for helping out"

Oh my damn! It's about time they made something to mock overworked underpaid TSA security guards! Am I right?

If I can give you a piece of advice, pull this stunt AFTER you've hit the airport bar and enjoyed one or seven Jack and Cokes. It takes the edge off from the taser gun. Trust me.

This is the greatest idea since the time Kane and I went to that foam party in Cabo and I got an eye infection and my wallet stolen.

What's Next? Carpal Funnel... *sigh*

"Bring joyful and happiness on your desk!
Ferris wheel will spin when you're typing. You type, it spins! You stop, it stops! It is a fun and innovative gadget toy on your desk. Get one to break the boring atmosphere in the office. And it also a great gift for your kids and friends!"

Yeah this looks like a great idea. Fun for all ages!*

*All ages excluded.


Picture not convincing enough how great this is? Here's a link to the video action.. http://www.gadget4all.com/prod_detail.php?prod_id=00487

Get Your Cat To Hate You: Just Enough

"Does this product really need a description?"

I've always said if you're gonna go crazy.. go big or go home!

I would never disrespect Kane this way. I mean your pet needs to know that you don't laugh at their expense... hang on... "No Kane! I'll let you know when you can take the wax lips off" *laughing ass off*.

Ok where was I? ah yes, r*e*s*p*e*c*t.. sock it to me sock it to me.


Photos: Jill Johnson

Cheney... Out!

So last night's debate.... any thoughts?

I have a question, where is that crazy third party rascal that's supposed to show up and f up the votes?? I would have been perfect for that spot. Damn you 'Ice Road Truckers!'... It's trucks on ice people.

I can't help but be a little saddened when I think of Bush and Cheney having to part ways. I imagine their final dinner like the end of a Real World season, just sittin around toasting to the good times.

Bush: I sure am gonna miss you Mr. Cheney. And that's a truthity.

Cheney: mmm hmmm

Bush: May I be exused?

Cheney: Finish your plate. What have I told you about starving children?

Bush: They make good suits?

Cheney: Stop talking. You're making my angina hurt.

I know sad right?

It's Official: A-Rod Hates His Penis

Well folks, Guy and Madonna "Guns" Ritchie have officially called it quits.

Allegations would have it that the Material "Girl" is romantically involved with Alex Rodriguez, Yankees dude.

Hopefully A-Rod is good at 'she looks like a man' puns because I really don't want to have to look at more pics of this 'Guy' Ritchie. (oh look I had one more in me.. who knew?)


Photo: INFdaily.com

Duggar Party of 600: Your Table Is Now Ready

"The Duggar family from Arkansas has 19 members which wouldn't be unusual if some of the members were cousins and grandparents -- but in the Duggars case 17 of them are children. And now all 19 members of the Duggar family will welcome viewers into their big world with a new Discovery show called "17 Kids and Counting."

The show will center around the every-growing Duggars clan who have become a pop culture phenomenon with regular appearances on talk shows and a large online following."

I always wondered how parents of 17 kids (wait.. 18) feed their family. And it looks like whorin' them out on reality tv is my answer. USA!

This family scares the b-jebus out of me. Do they not get cable where they live? Cause many wives avoid over populating by using a good ol "Murder She Wrote" marathon as birth control. So I hear.

I just imagine the birthing process for her is a little less than conventional. And by 'less than conventional' I mean these kids roll out on one of those mini motorized kid's Jeep. *beep* *beep*

This is a real "Fuck the Rain" umbrella. Just in case you wanted to make it clear on where you stand regarding the elements.

I'm pretty sure Mother Nature has a great sense of humor... *lightening strike*... or not.

ps. I love how they use a 6 year old to model this. Brilliant


http://www.artlebedev.com/everything/fuck-the-rain/

What To Give a Baby That Has Everything?

"Your little one will look fabulous in these soft crib shoes designed to look like high heels! Each pair of heelarious heels is packaged in a darling purse-shaped gift box, complete with a rhinestone closure. Leopard satin heel with black satin lining for infants size 0-6 months."

Why you ask? Why not sooner, I say!

People mold children from infancy to do all sorts of things. Farmers, crime fighting scrap bookers and now the world of adult entertainment.

I know it's been a while but I don't remember being particularly good on my feet when I was 0-6 months.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, if they would put more baby products in the Camel catalog we wouldn't have these stupid ideas. Nothing screams "my life is gonna suck" more than a baby in a Smokin Joe t-shirt. Oh 'cept maybe one in leopard high heels.

Orange You Glad

I'm not going to pretend to be an expert on fake tanning. Although, I will say that I am an expert on making fun of ridiculously uneven Dorito colored women.

It's getting to be that time of year where you have to get creative to maintain your bronze hue. I understand there's different routes to take, and in all honesty I couldn't care less about any of them. All I ask is that you try to shoot for the goal of looking human.

I'm pretty sure looking like someone just finished a bag of Cheetos, and used your face as a napkin, is not the look you were going for. Or feet that look like they belong to a corpse. Or that awful thing it does to make your hands look like you've been milking carrots. If you were any more orange Street King Midas would try to eat you. He loves carrots! No wait.. hookers... he loves hookers.


Photo: Mike Guastella, WireImage.com

"Ice ahoy!! You get 4 ocean liners and 4 icebergs. Just add gin, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Kate Winslet for a perfect party."

It's no secret that I'm a huge fan of faux ice cube plastic molds but I'm having a hard time enjoying this one.

I just find it a little hard that two drinks into my "winding down" ritual of the evening, I look to my glass and am reminded of a tragic fatal event.

You know the very same tragic event that made Celine Dion a household name. TRAGIC!

I won't even go into how lame this product description is. I have a lot of different ideas of what the "perfect party" is and none of them involve me sitting around staring at my glass and yelling "you sunk my battleship!"

Introducing the Condometric!




And this people is the last piece of evidence, that I need, to prove God is in fact a woman. The defense rests it's case.

According to W Magazine, Angelina Jolie sees nothing wrong with a 7 year old packin heat. I second that.

"Every family has its unique rites of passage, those generational milestones that mark a child’s growth and remind parents of their own similar experiences, years earlier. In the Jolie-Pitt household, one such event is the day a kid begins collecting daggers. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s seven-year-old son, Maddox, like many boys his age, has lately developed a fondness for guns and knives, and Jolie proudly notes that the predilection runs in the family."

What is it that I'm trying to say... ah yes... Are you frickin kidding me!?

It's hard enough to have a big brother that uses you as a punching bag because he hasn't developed coping skills yet. But to have that brother armed!

Sure, big bros are cool for protecting you from bullies (which is totally ironic to me considering that my brother told me I had to be "jumped in" to the family). And they're good at helping you look for your "real family" (which we never found by the way).

But I'll tell you what they're not good at... Bearing arms.



Quote: W Magazine

One Apology to the Smart Car.. Coming Up.

I totally stand corrected! I was so quick to write off the Smart Car and then I found this.

Not that I needed help, but this just proves my point that everything is better on monster tires... trucks, smart cars, my margarita machine.

Treats for Tricks

Well it's that time of year folks. You guessed it. Time for girls with daddy issues to dress in as little as the law will allow. God bless em!

Hey I've got no problem with that. Flaunt it if you got it, I always say. But remember, as Pepe's blog so profoundly says, one size DOES NOT fit all ladies. I can't be any clearer than that.

Kane and I are still working on our costumes. I want to go as a 'naughty PC' and him as a 'whorish Mac' but I can't get the keys to stick to his fur. The hot glue gun is warming up now, I'm pretty sure that'll fix our problem.

WTF?

"Google released a useful new Gmail feature yesterday in its labs, which could help prevent the intoxicated from sending embarrassing late-night emails they might regret in the morning.

When activated, the program will force a user to solve a series of math problems before allowing any message to be sent."

Yeah that's great but I'm a super genius and can answer these baby questions in less than 43 seconds. Now what?

Hey Google on behalf of the world of drunks (which I'm not only a member, I'm the President) thanks for nothin.

Call me when AT&T comes up with a Drunk Dial Prevention Plan. I'll pay an extra $4.95/month for a dude to karate chop me in my throat right before my ex answers their phone. Hell I'd pay a full 5 bucks.


Scooter




"Chaos often breeds life, when order breeds habit" - Henry Brooks Adams

Revenge CD

"Ah, Revenge is sweet, especially when extracted from your annoyingly loud neighbors! This CD features some really disturbing noises... unforgettable tracks like Unhappy Dog, the agonizing squeal of Violin Practice, and the exquisitely excruciating din of House Party."

I can't tell if this is genius or just a way to get yourself shot? You're totally right.. genius! Been a while since this nation had a good ol Hatfield and McCoy fued. I'll let you know how it goes.



Update: The doctor removed most of the bullet and I'm healing nicely. Go science!

If you're fortunate enough to not know these people consider yourself lucky. I mean like "adopted Cambodian kid by a one Angelina Jolie" lucky. All you need to know about them is they are narcissistic media whores that somehow got their hands on, what can only be, the most valuable black mail ever. That's the only conclusion I have for why they are relevant.

Listen I'm all for higher powers. But I have a question for Jesus. Out of all the celebrities and power players in Hollywood, and out of all of the people that thank you for giving them tons of money and over rated trophies, you pick this chick to rep you?

Hey I get that it's a challenge to weed out the gays and women that wear pants but come on. She's running around town telling everyone you guys are best friends. EMBARRASSING!

Wait, do you think God likes to drink as much as I do? That's the only logical explanation I can think of... just kidding. No seriously give me the keys Big Guy.


Photo: Pacific Coast News

God Bless Em!

My dad tried to instill as much wisdom as possible. He taught me gems like "Don't drink and drive, cause when you hit a bump it spills and makes a mess." You know the usual.

One thing he taught me, that I think is worth passing on, is the art of softening the blow of degradation.

He said you can say whatever you want about someone as long as you end it with "God Bless Em." Sound too easy? Try it.

"That girl is such a whore! God bless her!"

"What an idiot! God bless him"

"Kim K's dump truck ass. God bless it!"

Checkmate!

Gas Prices On The Mend

Word is that gas prices are going down. Finally Kane and I can get back to our attempt at space travel. If he could just perfect the art of drooling in a gravity free environment we'd be good to go.

Our goal is to do a tour of all of the planets. I'm pretty sure that's doable. I AM a triple A member. I'd just like to see all of the solar systems rest stops. I've learned more at truck stops than I have from books.

Like the one armed, truck stop, prostitute that said to me: "Scooter, look up sympathy in the dictionary. It's somewhere between shit and syphilis." If Hennessy, with her 3rd grade diploma and one arm can teach me something that deep, can you imagine what space hookers will teach me!?

I'll give you time to wrap your brain around that one.

Everything I Need To Know I Learned In Traffic Court

Some people say living life is a better education than a text book. My dad would disagree but for the sake of science we'll hear these people out.

I've found that one challenging situation can teach us tons. Let's take a day in traffic court for me and all of the things I learned the hard way.

1) Don't wink at the judge. He's already pissed that he's a traffic court judge. Now you're just patronizing him.

2) Do not refer to him as "Your Highness", "His Holiness" or giggle at "Your On Her". Oh and don't call the traffic cop "Sergeant Pepper". Trust me.

3) While waiting for your name to be called on the docket. Don't kill time by trying to start the wave.

4) When the guy before you gets taken into custody due to his 46th driving on suspended, don't jump up and yell "You can't handle the truth!"

5) And lastly when you're before the judge and he reduces your charges do not break into the Super Bowl Shuffle.

Ok grasshopers, go live long and prosper.

Memento

Ugh I'm so sick of people and their long term memories. I mean give me a break. You happen to be there one time, years ago, when I drank two 40 ozs of Hurricane and picked a fight with a parking meter. Now when I run into you it's the first thing we talk about. Meanwhile I can't remember how I got in your house or what your name is.

Good on you for being all ginsing ginkgo biloba but I'm tired of paying for my mistakes 10 years later.

Family is the worst about that too!

You bring one batch of pot brownies to your Nana's 4th of July cook out and they never let you live it down. Next time you may want to be a little more specific when you say "bring a treat." Just sayin.

Hey my dad always said "The family that smokes pot together...... um forgets the next line together?"

Britney's Naked Almost. Stop the Press.

Miss Britney Spears released her new video today. While I watched it on mute because I don't feel like dealing with bleeding ears before I head out on the town, I did watch it.

Britney provocatively dressed and poorly lip syncing? Why does this feel so familiar?? Ugh I can't put my... wait what is that you put on something that you can't.. Ugh I just got dumber for watching this video.

Brit remembers her real talents. And that's being as naked as basic cable will allow her.

If you ask me I miss the bat shit crazy Brit. Crazy is a fun place to be. I'm assuming. Though after my time with Busey I learned it's not a fun place to be around.

Busey if you're reading this, stop putting bologna and shaving cream sandwiches under my windshield wiper. Kane's too busy to clean bird shit off my car all day.