So I'm trying to pick out a new cell phone and all I can say is F ME! This is ridiculous. These little buttons and 65 different choices of things it can do.
All I need is to be able to call my bookie, download my Macarena ring tone.. oh and a GPS thing. The last time Kane gave me directions I ended up in a trailer park meth lab. They offered me their phone but instead handed me a cat. I kindly declined dialing the nipples of their feline, stole all of their Camel cash and ran for the door before I inhaled anymore fumes. I told Kane I should have cooked him for dinner but everyone knows I'd just be hungry in an hour.
OMG What Have I Done
I swore to not watch these dumbass women on the new Real Housewives of Atlanta, but what have I gone and done? I've actually entertained myself watching and making fun of them. Damn you superiority complex!
These fools are ridiculous. There's more horse hair than a polo event. And I'm just talking about the one white chick. If that is her REAL hair... how unfortunate.
Alls I know is that I give it 2 more episodes before we get a "oh no she didn't".. wait.. nevermind.. we only made it 12 minutes into the first episode. Who said money can't buy class?! I'm trying to find something classy'er than droppin the m'fer bomb while waiting on valet. Nope.. I got nuthin.
I'd pay cash money for a 50 cent style shoot out of these idiots. CASH MONEY!
Listen I'm just as big of a fan of kids getting mild concussions as the next guy. It's what makes us American am I right? USA! But I'd just like to understand at what point does it become a good idea to get a cardboard paper mache covered animal.. dangle it from your ceiling and have kids whack the living shit out of it.
Example: Me and the crew were loitering in a park like usual when we come across a child b-day party in the works. At this point the parents were hanging up this contraption. Mayhem ensued. Kids are beating the shit out of this thing and at the same time whackin the shit out of each other. The parents find this hysterical.
Then FINALLY this stupid thing breaks and about 20 pieces of 9 year old bazooka bubble gum fall to the ground quickly followed by a 30 kid pile up. These kids were kickin the bloody hell out of each other. I shit you not I saw a 2 year old sweep the leg of another kid.. LAST RESORT!
I say keep it real.. which I always do first and foremost.. and make it a 'to the death party. I got a 100 bucks on the 2 year old.
1 Part Celebrity, 1 Part Politics, 6 Parts Vodka
Someone needs to stop these celebrities from political blogging. Even Kane knows to stick with what he does best.. fighting crime and scrap booking. Just because these people can blog doesn't mean they should. I mean you CAN make beer without alcohol but it's a terrible idea.
It erks me almost as much as the people that use their license plates to reiterate the obvious. Dude I see you're driving a 95 Civic... no need to recap that info.
It erks me almost as much as the people that use their license plates to reiterate the obvious. Dude I see you're driving a 95 Civic... no need to recap that info.
The Fisharazzi
I like to pride myself on being a master of disguise. A few of my golden moves; pair of sunglasses, raised polo collar or the never fail 'hands over my eyes' invisibility move. But I'd like to know who this rascal is that dressed up as a dolphin and fooled Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson to get this pic. You'd think a dolphin with thumbs would be a dead giveaway but look who we're talking about. I dressed up as a red bull can once and Britney hugged me crying "I wish I could quit you!" True story.
Photos: Bauer-Griffin, Splash News
Wait a minute?
Where was I when Madonna turned into one of the Thundercats?
*rips Kabbalah string off wrist*
That's it, I can't keep up with this woman any more! Kane go fetch me Gary Busey's number.
*ring ring*
Gary? It's Scooter. Wanna hang out? What's that? Ahhhh third eye of the 5th evil you say? Perfect! I'll pick you up at 7.
In yo face Ciccone! Scooter's back on top.
*returns from dinner - slams door*
Thundercats it is. Oh and Kane change my number. Gary wants to be the brotherhood in my traveling pants.. Not sure what that means but not waitin to find out..
Photo: Splash News, WENN
Lauren Conrad To Be An Author???
Hold up! I just got word that Lauren "I have the personality of a coma" Conrad is to pen 3 books. Seriously?
Let's think about what not one but 3 books could possibly include?
1) Her 9th year of 'fashion school'?
2) Her friends, enemies, friends, enemies, friends, enemies?
3) Something shiny?
4) What is Audrina really looking at above my head?
Shit, I think I just gave her an extra book deal. Ugh its gonna be like reading the literary equivalent of oatmeal. Not that I'll ever know what these books have to say.
Let's be honest, the only book that I'd even think of thumbing through if I found for free on my porch with money inside... would be a VERY detailed, play by play, night with Brody Jenner. Don't be afraid to leave nothing out. Oh and pictures are encouraged. Trust me.. we're friends.. wait now were enemies.. ok we're friends again. wheewwww!
Team No One!
While we're on the topic of "are you kidding" books, I have a few questions for Lynne Spears. I can just imagine her sitting in her home office scribing this tell all... "Brit Brit used to love to dry hump the arm of the couch and we'd all go.. 'Look ya'll she's good' so we called us up a man to come watch her". While this literary assault is forming Brit's in some studio trying to eat the microphone while recording her next track "Na Na Num Num ACK"... actually that sounds like a gem, keep writing Lynne, we wouldn't you to interfere with sure gold.
Scooter
"Chaos often breeds life, when order breeds habit" - Henry Brooks Adams
Let's think about what not one but 3 books could possibly include?
1) Her 9th year of 'fashion school'?
2) Her friends, enemies, friends, enemies, friends, enemies?
3) Something shiny?
4) What is Audrina really looking at above my head?
Shit, I think I just gave her an extra book deal. Ugh its gonna be like reading the literary equivalent of oatmeal. Not that I'll ever know what these books have to say.
Let's be honest, the only book that I'd even think of thumbing through if I found for free on my porch with money inside... would be a VERY detailed, play by play, night with Brody Jenner. Don't be afraid to leave nothing out. Oh and pictures are encouraged. Trust me.. we're friends.. wait now were enemies.. ok we're friends again. wheewwww!
Team No One!
While we're on the topic of "are you kidding" books, I have a few questions for Lynne Spears. I can just imagine her sitting in her home office scribing this tell all... "Brit Brit used to love to dry hump the arm of the couch and we'd all go.. 'Look ya'll she's good' so we called us up a man to come watch her". While this literary assault is forming Brit's in some studio trying to eat the microphone while recording her next track "Na Na Num Num ACK"... actually that sounds like a gem, keep writing Lynne, we wouldn't you to interfere with sure gold.
Scooter
"Chaos often breeds life, when order breeds habit" - Henry Brooks Adams
The Art Of Nicknames
In all the years I'm alive, the list of areas where I'm an 'aficionado' remains relatively short.
But tops of that short list is the area of nicknames.
I come from a town where nicknames are plentiful and in some respects a right of passage. Many social circles across the country have one or two members of their clique with a nickname that actually sticks. It's usually Moose or Tiny. Typical for middle America. Now where I'm from NOT having a nickname can be social suicide (not really).
On any given weekend you can find me surrounded by The Gooch, Cranky, Doodle "Doo" Bug, Tooter, Cleanus Fuck, Boy Wonder, Styles Peterson, Pork Chop.. the list is endless.
But there's an art to getting a nickname.
Let's start with the ladies. Ladies, please don't give yourself stripper names. It's cute to be called Peaches when you're 9 but when you're 25 it's usually a dead giveaway that your closet floor is full of pasties and clear shoes. Same goes for names like Diamond and Blaze. Also try to avoid a nickname given to you due to an embarrassing moment. Like hooking up with someone on every couch you crash on deems you "The Sofanator" or "Crying Drunk Chick". You get the idea.
And to the fellas... It's important that your nickname reflect your personality. One of my best friends "Cranky" is, in fact, cranky from time to time. In line with the ladies advice, try to avoid embarrassing nicknames like "Pee Pants McClure" which you earned and now no one will let you crash at their house. You too get the idea.
Lastly, introducing your nickname to the group can be a challenge. It's always best when your nickname is given to you but if you've decided to name yourself, the best route is start a trash rap funk rock group and name drop yourself in each song. Trust me it works, ask Dr. Destroyer.
Scooter.. aka "Ryder Strong".. aka "BadTouch Monroe".. aka "Is The New Black"
"Chaos often breeds life, while order breeds habit" - Henry Brooks Adams
But tops of that short list is the area of nicknames.
I come from a town where nicknames are plentiful and in some respects a right of passage. Many social circles across the country have one or two members of their clique with a nickname that actually sticks. It's usually Moose or Tiny. Typical for middle America. Now where I'm from NOT having a nickname can be social suicide (not really).
On any given weekend you can find me surrounded by The Gooch, Cranky, Doodle "Doo" Bug, Tooter, Cleanus Fuck, Boy Wonder, Styles Peterson, Pork Chop.. the list is endless.
But there's an art to getting a nickname.
Let's start with the ladies. Ladies, please don't give yourself stripper names. It's cute to be called Peaches when you're 9 but when you're 25 it's usually a dead giveaway that your closet floor is full of pasties and clear shoes. Same goes for names like Diamond and Blaze. Also try to avoid a nickname given to you due to an embarrassing moment. Like hooking up with someone on every couch you crash on deems you "The Sofanator" or "Crying Drunk Chick". You get the idea.
And to the fellas... It's important that your nickname reflect your personality. One of my best friends "Cranky" is, in fact, cranky from time to time. In line with the ladies advice, try to avoid embarrassing nicknames like "Pee Pants McClure" which you earned and now no one will let you crash at their house. You too get the idea.
Lastly, introducing your nickname to the group can be a challenge. It's always best when your nickname is given to you but if you've decided to name yourself, the best route is start a trash rap funk rock group and name drop yourself in each song. Trust me it works, ask Dr. Destroyer.
Scooter.. aka "Ryder Strong".. aka "BadTouch Monroe".. aka "Is The New Black"
"Chaos often breeds life, while order breeds habit" - Henry Brooks Adams
Comments For Dummies
Seriously, this is a serious matter. Like my muscles must be registered as 'weapons of mass destruction' serious. Like 'I just found 20 bucks in my winter jacket from last year' serious!
Every time I read an article, no matter if it's about the economic crisis or Lindsay Lohan's vagina, it's followed by comments from the planets largest 'weakest links'. You'll see one or two comments squeezed in from actual cognizant people, but they're quickly devoured by idiots yelling at each other, the article, themselves.. whatever! This is where the system has failed.
Free speech should have an IQ threshold. It's no different than having an age restriction on driving or a height requirement for Space Mountain. Those restrictions are to keep people safe and I'm certain putting an IQ meter on the comments section of notably renowned publications is just a civic duty.
I'll be happy to help make a series of questions they must pass before posting... ie. Does this comment involve you talking about your penis? Does this comment involve you mocking a tragic event? Are your parents vague when you ask them if they're related?
No need to thank me. I do it for the children.
Scooter
"Chaos often breeds life, when order breeds habit" - Henry Brooks Adams
Every time I read an article, no matter if it's about the economic crisis or Lindsay Lohan's vagina, it's followed by comments from the planets largest 'weakest links'. You'll see one or two comments squeezed in from actual cognizant people, but they're quickly devoured by idiots yelling at each other, the article, themselves.. whatever! This is where the system has failed.
Free speech should have an IQ threshold. It's no different than having an age restriction on driving or a height requirement for Space Mountain. Those restrictions are to keep people safe and I'm certain putting an IQ meter on the comments section of notably renowned publications is just a civic duty.
I'll be happy to help make a series of questions they must pass before posting... ie. Does this comment involve you talking about your penis? Does this comment involve you mocking a tragic event? Are your parents vague when you ask them if they're related?
No need to thank me. I do it for the children.
Scooter
"Chaos often breeds life, when order breeds habit" - Henry Brooks Adams
Smart Car. Says Who?
I had the priviledge today of parking right next to a teeny tiny thing that I'm certain is a cat toy.
I'm know that many people will defend the Smart Car and it's effort to rid us of global warming and gas guzzlin SUV's. But this 3 cylinder 3 foot long one seater looks like a death trap if you ask me.
The only thing that seems smart about this car is the medical expenses you'll save if you end up having a dump truck ram into your ass end. Because no way you're livin to tell that story.
And I'm no fan of the ginormous Suburban's driven by the stay at home moms with one kid either. You really don't need 6 more feet of vehicle for a 2 foot person in the back seat. I'm just sayin.
Listen, it's no secret I'm a fan of the planet. Umm need I remind you of my entire month of being a vegetarian? I thought not! But there has to be a happy median between driving the highway in a tic tac container or taking up 3 parking spots with your city bus. As God as my witness, I'll blog when they figure out what that median is. Stay tuned.
Scooter
"Chaos often breed life, when order breeds habit" - Henry Brooks Adams
I'm know that many people will defend the Smart Car and it's effort to rid us of global warming and gas guzzlin SUV's. But this 3 cylinder 3 foot long one seater looks like a death trap if you ask me.
The only thing that seems smart about this car is the medical expenses you'll save if you end up having a dump truck ram into your ass end. Because no way you're livin to tell that story.
And I'm no fan of the ginormous Suburban's driven by the stay at home moms with one kid either. You really don't need 6 more feet of vehicle for a 2 foot person in the back seat. I'm just sayin.
Listen, it's no secret I'm a fan of the planet. Umm need I remind you of my entire month of being a vegetarian? I thought not! But there has to be a happy median between driving the highway in a tic tac container or taking up 3 parking spots with your city bus. As God as my witness, I'll blog when they figure out what that median is. Stay tuned.
Scooter
"Chaos often breed life, when order breeds habit" - Henry Brooks Adams
Thanks Pepe
So everyone can thank a very close friend of mine, Patrice "Pepe" McElroy, for me joining the world of blogs. I dreamed of being a celebrity columnist, but to be honest... my 'inside source' is an 11 year old Boxer named Kane who gets lost in the half acre front yard because he's lost most of his sight. Even though his sight loss is self induced from running into sticks eye ball first, he still offers little help in getting the hot gossip before Perez.
So I'll do the second best thing. I'll blog about nothin.
You'll find my mind is a little scary, sarcastic and quizzical. But it's all in the name of science... or something admirable like that.
I promise, not really, to try to express myself BEFORE my second grown up drink of the evening. Otherwise it'll just be a lost in translation/honeycomb decoder pen kinda party.
Well fellow bloggers, I look forward to opening my hope chest of thoughts and delivering my odd observations, disappointment in the human race and one liners to your proverbial interweb front door.
Scooter
"Chaos often breeds life, when order breeds habit" - Henry Brooks Adams
So I'll do the second best thing. I'll blog about nothin.
You'll find my mind is a little scary, sarcastic and quizzical. But it's all in the name of science... or something admirable like that.
I promise, not really, to try to express myself BEFORE my second grown up drink of the evening. Otherwise it'll just be a lost in translation/honeycomb decoder pen kinda party.
Well fellow bloggers, I look forward to opening my hope chest of thoughts and delivering my odd observations, disappointment in the human race and one liners to your proverbial interweb front door.
Scooter
"Chaos often breeds life, when order breeds habit" - Henry Brooks Adams
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