Robot Bartender (!!)

"Digital Beverages MyFountain XL

This robo-bartender takes orders, mixes cocktails, and then cleans up. Beneath the countertop dispenser, a dorm-style refrigerator holds up to 12 types of alcohol and mixers, plus a water-line link and a carbon-dioxide cartridge for fizz.

Atop the fridge sits the brain: an Internet-linked Windows XP computer. Enter new recipes on the touchscreen or on a personalized Web page, where you can also trade formulas with your friends.

Tap the screen to select a drink, say, the Martini and pumps send each ingredient up a tube to the nozzle, which mixes and pours them. While you imbibe, a pulse of hot water cleans the nozzle. A leftover droplet of water plugs each tube to keep the flavor from dripping into your next glass.”

EUREKA! I've been waiting for a robot bartender for like EVER! Kane and I went to Coinstar and cashed in our savings to purchase this bad boy.

It has a few pros worth noting:

1) It lets you make new drinks whenever they come to mind.
2) It doesn't refuse things like ketchup or Palmolive as ingredients.
3) It will pour the drink directly in your mouth.

Now being the fair journalist that I am, there's a few cons worth pointing out:

1) It doesn't take my keys when I decide to make a "run for the border".
2) It does not keep me from trying to make out with the video poker game.
3) It doesn't back up my "I'm British Royalty" story.

Just a few pieces of constructive criticism for the robot scientists.

I'll be looking out for Robot Bartender v2.0







Photo: Greg Neumaier

Sunroof Minus The Sun

Hey fellas, having a problem getting chicks with your 95 Altima because you didn't spring for the sunroof? Did cutting a hole in your last roof prove to be a big headache and just not worth it to impress the ladies? Well your problems are solved (you wish).

Here you have a magnetic faux sticker thing. It's all illusion and all crap.

I have no advice for how you get people not to steal your 'sunroof' but chances are the culprits won't get far as they lay in laughter next to your car. Good luck!

Photo: haha.nu

The Homeless: "Pimp My Cart"

I gave Kane some homework. That homework involved him making me a list of the top 10 needs of a homeless person. Guess what didn't make the list? A fucking reclining cart!

Lab.kz spent time and money helping the homeless. How very nice of them. Then they really got in touch with their target market and advertised this gem on the internet. 'SWISH'

With the holidays around the corner it's good to know that I have Crazy Pirate Joe covered.

inSPOT Hits the Infected Spot

Tired of making those pesky phone calls to drop the STD bomb on your many partners? Embarrassed when you realize how low your standards have gotten when you come face to face to break this glorious news? Well you spoke up and someone listened!

inSPOT is a social networking site for your VD. You tell it what you caught and who you wiggled around on and they send out an email for you. Done and done.


Here's a few tips provided by the site:

"TIPS ABOUT THE SITE

* Notify everyone you've had sex with in the past six months. Oral sex counts, too.
* Try looking through your old emails and your online address book to complete the list.
* If you decide to compose a personal message, put yourself in the other person's shoes. Think about how you were told—what you liked and what you didn't—and put the best of it into words.
* You don't have to provide detailed medical info—this email card will automatically provide links to what they need to know.
* You can send postcards anonymously or from your email address. Historically, when you tell a sex partner(s) yourself, it's more likely s.he will "hear" the message and get tested.
* No information will be collected or shared with any public or private agency."

Ok first off the last thing I get from a hook up is their email address. I hide behind Myspace and Facebook like everyone else. Secondly I'm pretty sure writing a personal note is the last thing I'd want to do. "Hey...um... you. Remember that awesome night out with the laughing and the good times? Well turns out it cost ya a little more than a $128 bar tab. My bad. Oh, and I'm gonna need your sister's email address."

Talk To The Back Window

"Driving LED Emoticon

The battery powered device is attached to your back window. You have a wireless remote up front that you can attach to the dash board, in the console, or you can have it free, in your pocket or something. From there, you can choose from 5 optons.

1. Happy Face
2. Sad Face
3. Thanks
4. Back Off
5. Idiot"

This is genius! Seriously. Remember when they made those 'Baby On Board' back window signs and we took it one step further and made one for everything possibly funny that could be on board? 'Jewish Mother In Law In Trunk' and other gems like that.

I see a hot trend about to break. Kane and I did some research and found the most obvious new LED signs:

1. The obligatory middle finger sign
2. "Kiss My Grits"
3. "You give me a boner"
4. "Back Off - I'm Uninsured"

Trust me the last one works. I've been doing that for years with a bottle of white shoe polish. Haven't had to brake check anyone since.

What To Give a Baby That Has Everything?

"Your little one will look fabulous in these soft crib shoes designed to look like high heels! Each pair of heelarious heels is packaged in a darling purse-shaped gift box, complete with a rhinestone closure. Leopard satin heel with black satin lining for infants size 0-6 months."

Why you ask? Why not sooner, I say!

People mold children from infancy to do all sorts of things. Farmers, crime fighting scrap bookers and now the world of adult entertainment.

I know it's been a while but I don't remember being particularly good on my feet when I was 0-6 months.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, if they would put more baby products in the Camel catalog we wouldn't have these stupid ideas. Nothing screams "my life is gonna suck" more than a baby in a Smokin Joe t-shirt. Oh 'cept maybe one in leopard high heels.

The Art Of Nicknames

In all the years I'm alive, the list of areas where I'm an 'aficionado' remains relatively short.
But tops of that short list is the area of nicknames.

I come from a town where nicknames are plentiful and in some respects a right of passage. Many social circles across the country have one or two members of their clique with a nickname that actually sticks. It's usually Moose or Tiny. Typical for middle America. Now where I'm from NOT having a nickname can be social suicide (not really).

On any given weekend you can find me surrounded by The Gooch, Cranky, Doodle "Doo" Bug, Tooter, Cleanus Fuck, Boy Wonder, Styles Peterson, Pork Chop.. the list is endless.

But there's an art to getting a nickname.

Let's start with the ladies. Ladies, please don't give yourself stripper names. It's cute to be called Peaches when you're 9 but when you're 25 it's usually a dead giveaway that your closet floor is full of pasties and clear shoes. Same goes for names like Diamond and Blaze. Also try to avoid a nickname given to you due to an embarrassing moment. Like hooking up with someone on every couch you crash on deems you "The Sofanator" or "Crying Drunk Chick". You get the idea.

And to the fellas... It's important that your nickname reflect your personality. One of my best friends "Cranky" is, in fact, cranky from time to time. In line with the ladies advice, try to avoid embarrassing nicknames like "Pee Pants McClure" which you earned and now no one will let you crash at their house. You too get the idea.

Lastly, introducing your nickname to the group can be a challenge. It's always best when your nickname is given to you but if you've decided to name yourself, the best route is start a trash rap funk rock group and name drop yourself in each song. Trust me it works, ask Dr. Destroyer.


Scooter.. aka "Ryder Strong".. aka "BadTouch Monroe".. aka "Is The New Black"


"Chaos often breeds life, while order breeds habit" - Henry Brooks Adams