The Art Of Nicknames

In all the years I'm alive, the list of areas where I'm an 'aficionado' remains relatively short.
But tops of that short list is the area of nicknames.

I come from a town where nicknames are plentiful and in some respects a right of passage. Many social circles across the country have one or two members of their clique with a nickname that actually sticks. It's usually Moose or Tiny. Typical for middle America. Now where I'm from NOT having a nickname can be social suicide (not really).

On any given weekend you can find me surrounded by The Gooch, Cranky, Doodle "Doo" Bug, Tooter, Cleanus Fuck, Boy Wonder, Styles Peterson, Pork Chop.. the list is endless.

But there's an art to getting a nickname.

Let's start with the ladies. Ladies, please don't give yourself stripper names. It's cute to be called Peaches when you're 9 but when you're 25 it's usually a dead giveaway that your closet floor is full of pasties and clear shoes. Same goes for names like Diamond and Blaze. Also try to avoid a nickname given to you due to an embarrassing moment. Like hooking up with someone on every couch you crash on deems you "The Sofanator" or "Crying Drunk Chick". You get the idea.

And to the fellas... It's important that your nickname reflect your personality. One of my best friends "Cranky" is, in fact, cranky from time to time. In line with the ladies advice, try to avoid embarrassing nicknames like "Pee Pants McClure" which you earned and now no one will let you crash at their house. You too get the idea.

Lastly, introducing your nickname to the group can be a challenge. It's always best when your nickname is given to you but if you've decided to name yourself, the best route is start a trash rap funk rock group and name drop yourself in each song. Trust me it works, ask Dr. Destroyer.


Scooter.. aka "Ryder Strong".. aka "BadTouch Monroe".. aka "Is The New Black"


"Chaos often breeds life, while order breeds habit" - Henry Brooks Adams