Introducing the Condometric!




And this people is the last piece of evidence, that I need, to prove God is in fact a woman. The defense rests it's case.

According to W Magazine, Angelina Jolie sees nothing wrong with a 7 year old packin heat. I second that.

"Every family has its unique rites of passage, those generational milestones that mark a child’s growth and remind parents of their own similar experiences, years earlier. In the Jolie-Pitt household, one such event is the day a kid begins collecting daggers. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s seven-year-old son, Maddox, like many boys his age, has lately developed a fondness for guns and knives, and Jolie proudly notes that the predilection runs in the family."

What is it that I'm trying to say... ah yes... Are you frickin kidding me!?

It's hard enough to have a big brother that uses you as a punching bag because he hasn't developed coping skills yet. But to have that brother armed!

Sure, big bros are cool for protecting you from bullies (which is totally ironic to me considering that my brother told me I had to be "jumped in" to the family). And they're good at helping you look for your "real family" (which we never found by the way).

But I'll tell you what they're not good at... Bearing arms.



Quote: W Magazine

One Apology to the Smart Car.. Coming Up.

I totally stand corrected! I was so quick to write off the Smart Car and then I found this.

Not that I needed help, but this just proves my point that everything is better on monster tires... trucks, smart cars, my margarita machine.

Treats for Tricks

Well it's that time of year folks. You guessed it. Time for girls with daddy issues to dress in as little as the law will allow. God bless em!

Hey I've got no problem with that. Flaunt it if you got it, I always say. But remember, as Pepe's blog so profoundly says, one size DOES NOT fit all ladies. I can't be any clearer than that.

Kane and I are still working on our costumes. I want to go as a 'naughty PC' and him as a 'whorish Mac' but I can't get the keys to stick to his fur. The hot glue gun is warming up now, I'm pretty sure that'll fix our problem.

WTF?

"Google released a useful new Gmail feature yesterday in its labs, which could help prevent the intoxicated from sending embarrassing late-night emails they might regret in the morning.

When activated, the program will force a user to solve a series of math problems before allowing any message to be sent."

Yeah that's great but I'm a super genius and can answer these baby questions in less than 43 seconds. Now what?

Hey Google on behalf of the world of drunks (which I'm not only a member, I'm the President) thanks for nothin.

Call me when AT&T comes up with a Drunk Dial Prevention Plan. I'll pay an extra $4.95/month for a dude to karate chop me in my throat right before my ex answers their phone. Hell I'd pay a full 5 bucks.


Scooter




"Chaos often breeds life, when order breeds habit" - Henry Brooks Adams

Revenge CD

"Ah, Revenge is sweet, especially when extracted from your annoyingly loud neighbors! This CD features some really disturbing noises... unforgettable tracks like Unhappy Dog, the agonizing squeal of Violin Practice, and the exquisitely excruciating din of House Party."

I can't tell if this is genius or just a way to get yourself shot? You're totally right.. genius! Been a while since this nation had a good ol Hatfield and McCoy fued. I'll let you know how it goes.



Update: The doctor removed most of the bullet and I'm healing nicely. Go science!

If you're fortunate enough to not know these people consider yourself lucky. I mean like "adopted Cambodian kid by a one Angelina Jolie" lucky. All you need to know about them is they are narcissistic media whores that somehow got their hands on, what can only be, the most valuable black mail ever. That's the only conclusion I have for why they are relevant.

Listen I'm all for higher powers. But I have a question for Jesus. Out of all the celebrities and power players in Hollywood, and out of all of the people that thank you for giving them tons of money and over rated trophies, you pick this chick to rep you?

Hey I get that it's a challenge to weed out the gays and women that wear pants but come on. She's running around town telling everyone you guys are best friends. EMBARRASSING!

Wait, do you think God likes to drink as much as I do? That's the only logical explanation I can think of... just kidding. No seriously give me the keys Big Guy.


Photo: Pacific Coast News

God Bless Em!

My dad tried to instill as much wisdom as possible. He taught me gems like "Don't drink and drive, cause when you hit a bump it spills and makes a mess." You know the usual.

One thing he taught me, that I think is worth passing on, is the art of softening the blow of degradation.

He said you can say whatever you want about someone as long as you end it with "God Bless Em." Sound too easy? Try it.

"That girl is such a whore! God bless her!"

"What an idiot! God bless him"

"Kim K's dump truck ass. God bless it!"

Checkmate!

Gas Prices On The Mend

Word is that gas prices are going down. Finally Kane and I can get back to our attempt at space travel. If he could just perfect the art of drooling in a gravity free environment we'd be good to go.

Our goal is to do a tour of all of the planets. I'm pretty sure that's doable. I AM a triple A member. I'd just like to see all of the solar systems rest stops. I've learned more at truck stops than I have from books.

Like the one armed, truck stop, prostitute that said to me: "Scooter, look up sympathy in the dictionary. It's somewhere between shit and syphilis." If Hennessy, with her 3rd grade diploma and one arm can teach me something that deep, can you imagine what space hookers will teach me!?

I'll give you time to wrap your brain around that one.

Everything I Need To Know I Learned In Traffic Court

Some people say living life is a better education than a text book. My dad would disagree but for the sake of science we'll hear these people out.

I've found that one challenging situation can teach us tons. Let's take a day in traffic court for me and all of the things I learned the hard way.

1) Don't wink at the judge. He's already pissed that he's a traffic court judge. Now you're just patronizing him.

2) Do not refer to him as "Your Highness", "His Holiness" or giggle at "Your On Her". Oh and don't call the traffic cop "Sergeant Pepper". Trust me.

3) While waiting for your name to be called on the docket. Don't kill time by trying to start the wave.

4) When the guy before you gets taken into custody due to his 46th driving on suspended, don't jump up and yell "You can't handle the truth!"

5) And lastly when you're before the judge and he reduces your charges do not break into the Super Bowl Shuffle.

Ok grasshopers, go live long and prosper.

Memento

Ugh I'm so sick of people and their long term memories. I mean give me a break. You happen to be there one time, years ago, when I drank two 40 ozs of Hurricane and picked a fight with a parking meter. Now when I run into you it's the first thing we talk about. Meanwhile I can't remember how I got in your house or what your name is.

Good on you for being all ginsing ginkgo biloba but I'm tired of paying for my mistakes 10 years later.

Family is the worst about that too!

You bring one batch of pot brownies to your Nana's 4th of July cook out and they never let you live it down. Next time you may want to be a little more specific when you say "bring a treat." Just sayin.

Hey my dad always said "The family that smokes pot together...... um forgets the next line together?"

Britney's Naked Almost. Stop the Press.

Miss Britney Spears released her new video today. While I watched it on mute because I don't feel like dealing with bleeding ears before I head out on the town, I did watch it.

Britney provocatively dressed and poorly lip syncing? Why does this feel so familiar?? Ugh I can't put my... wait what is that you put on something that you can't.. Ugh I just got dumber for watching this video.

Brit remembers her real talents. And that's being as naked as basic cable will allow her.

If you ask me I miss the bat shit crazy Brit. Crazy is a fun place to be. I'm assuming. Though after my time with Busey I learned it's not a fun place to be around.

Busey if you're reading this, stop putting bologna and shaving cream sandwiches under my windshield wiper. Kane's too busy to clean bird shit off my car all day.