Scooter Is The New Black

Take My Wife... PLEASE!

2011-09-23T17:39:00.013-04:00

AutoWed is a novelty wedding machine offering a quick hitch, a couple of rings and a personalised certificate for just £1/$1. Audio prompts, specially produced music, a bespoke retro keyboard and VFD display, ring vending and ticket printer all wrapped up in a Cadillac-pink cabinet with shiny aluminium fittings. We came up with the idea last year and built the unit shown here this spring specially for Marvin's Marvellous Mechanical Museum in Detroit, USA (marvin3m.com). Order one now - call us and we will build you one to order.

I take the sanctity of marriage very serious. Just ask my wife Mrs. Grilled Cheese. She so cheesy sometimes it’s like stop it! But seriously… this marriage in a juke box is great. Now you can marry your BFF or your BFF’s BF or your BF’s BF.. The list is endless.

Just have a little self control and don’t end up like me. I’m now paying alimony to a George Forman grill and the entire cast of Saved by the Bell.

via ConceptShed

Photos via technabob

No F'N Thank You!!!

2011-09-23T16:52:00.002-04:00

Something about this robot dude screams "disassemble me in my sleep(!)". Plus he looks like a total remote hog.. and I'm still pissed about what that one robot did to my plant.

So I’ll just make my own French toast, thanks. I have a family recipe anyway. It’s one part bourbon and two parts staying alive.

ps. None of these fears apply to my robot bartender.

Be the Talk of the Streets! Literally..

2011-09-22T17:02:00.009-04:00

Bad hair day, ladies? Forgot to shave, fellas? Ugly?... oop I mean…

I think this is great and won’t make you look f'n ridiculous (ps. it totally will). But if you’re not a fan of heavy petting in public and prefer to keep it creepy then here ya go.

This shade is supposed to give you the privacy we all sooo long for. It also provides you with the mugging that you probably could have lived without...

Just do me a favor and stay outta the carpool lane with this thing on... or any lane for that matter.

pics via Coolest Gadgets

Want to hide your freakishly large ears?? Well keep looking...

2011-09-22T13:23:00.013-04:00

I’m not really sure what they were trying to pull off here but can we all agree that it was a total slam dunk!

I’ve been trying to get my Nana to get big plug earrings (she already has the sideburns in real life). I think you can all guess what she’s getting for Christmas. Yep a palm pistol but maybe if she plays her cards right we’ll see about the phone cover too.

Just tell me where to pick this gem up… I’m all.. eerrr ears? (ugh I know I know).

Images via CollabCubed

Teach Them Well And Let Them... Loan Me 20 Bucks

2009-02-19T08:33:00.001-05:00

The Japanese are helping you teach your kids how to be fiscally responsible AND about the birds and the bees.. all in one (money) shot.

Just put some coin in this bad boy and watch 2 pigs or 2 elephants (tough choice, I know) show you their animal excitment. If this happened at my bank I'd probably pick up a second job for the extra cash. Just sayin.

So if I've got this right... I just told my neice that she's not to give it up without any money. Thank me later big bro... Thank me later.

Let's Paint the Town... er, LED?

2009-02-19T08:17:00.000-05:00

Like to mix your style with a little tech'ness and a whole lotta 'ready to party'? Well mission status? Accomplished! Now you can have your very own DIY pair of sneaks that let's you be the hit of the rave. Or get hit by a raver. I can't remember which. Either way, running from the cops or hiding your bladder problem at the movies is no longer an option for you. But being totally awesome and probably attracting bugs is definitely in your future! Nice!

Desperation Equals Funny: At Least Google Feels So

2009-02-13T16:38:00.011-05:00

I've always said that this world was full of crazy people and here Google goes and proves me wrong. Touche Google. Touche.

Really? 883,000,000 results of "Why do I have no friends"... Besides not being a fan of Scooter Is The New Black.. the only other result we could think of was that you are actually asking a data warehouse this question.

I ran up to an ATM once and asked why I was so broke. It didn't spit out cash. I'm assuming the results are similar here. Well except you're not on camera and won't end up getting robbed for your pre-paid cell phone.

For the sake of thorough journalism I've decided to include a few of my favorites from this research.

* 286,000: I would like to extend you an invitation to the pants party (at Jason's house, in Jason's pants) (Really??! 286K results to Jason's pants?)

* 21,900,000: I have one more drink. (Sounds like a problem...)

* 1,060,000: Sex is for making babies and revenge. (That's true.)

* 3,290,000: Who do I have to be to make you sleep with me. (Let's start with your address... oh and a list of what meds you're on.. we'll go from there.)

Source: Gizmodo

This Is Exactly Why We Don't Do Dentists!

2009-02-13T09:01:00.006-05:00

If you've caught the interweb phenomenom of little David leaving the dentist, than you may enjoy this. Thanks to the Upright Citizens Brigade and YouTube scientists we can now see lil David 20 years from now.

We feel your pain Davie boy... I've been it sayin it for years... They need to make a divorce attorney/anesthesiologist office. That will make it a whole hella lot easier to take the news that all your shit is gone.

My dad always said... "I lost the child custody battle... somehow I got the kids". USA USA USA!!

"Marco!".... "Keep It Down I'm Talkin To My Bookie"

2009-02-11T20:00:00.000-05:00

"The Isophone is essentially a telecommunications device providing a service that can be described simply as a meeting of the telephone and the floatation tank. The user wears a helmet that blocks out all peripheral sensory distraction whilst keeping the head above the surface of the water… a space is created for providing a pure, distraction free environment for making a telephone call."

Now that's what I call a "hands free" device. I may need a bigger car but totally worth it!

Has the demand for swimming and party lines gone up and no one told me? I can get on board with that. Hmmm I wonder if a "breast stroke" costs 3.95 a minute from this thing too?!

*Update* Yes. Yes it does. Still worth it.

dvice.com

Like Time Through the Shreddy Thing... So Are the Days of Our... Nevermind

2009-02-10T20:30:00.001-05:00

"The Chrono-Shredder is a device that reminds us of the preciousness of our lifetime. It represents the passing of time by shredding the days of the year – printed on a paper roll – at a slow constant rate. To shred one day takes 24 hours. There is no “off”-button. As the seconds pass by, the tattered remains of the past pile up under the device…

This asks, what people would do if there were given the ability to hibernate — and so, stop their natural ageing. Would they regard natural ageing as threat? Will they start counting their "awake" hours like they count calories today?"

Nope... can't see that annoying any of your coworkers. Lucky for you it's not sharp enough to feed you through... Sorry folks, you're still gonna have to use the old fashion wood chipper to cure your "alimony problems".

Is it me or is this product descrip a little heavy? We hibernate plenty here... What do you mean blacking out is NOT hibernating? I beg to differ but I'm too busy picking up piles of paper shit off the floor to argue about this. Thanks for nuthin!

susannahertrich.com

Chia's Vote For Change

2009-02-10T20:25:00.002-05:00

At first I thought this was a little racist.. Then I remembered Chia broke down the race barrier years ago with a Mr T Chia pet. Boy am I embarrassed at my former assumption.

Not quite the 'stimulus' I was looking for... but at this point... I'll take it.

Can't live without one of these gems? How unfortunate for you. But luckily Amazon.com can meet your needs.

Playing This Guitar MAY Make You To Go Blind

2009-01-26T19:37:00.006-05:00

"This started out as a Cort Stratocaster copy.

I bought it on-line. But when I took it apart it turned out the body was plywood. So I decided to have some fun. I made a new body out of Cherry wood, added some maple for a new headstock, made a new pickguard and... voila!

The wangcaster was on the Graham Norton TV show, in Great Britain, where he showed it to Bon Jovi, who said "wow, that guitar has balls!" - Gus Curran

Bands have been created for a number of reasons... True love of music, getting laid, maybe to fill up your Saturday night plans because you're not gettin invited to the big dance. Whatever it may be... the fine makers of the Wangcaster are here to undo all of your hard work.

I'm not sure I would have been as forthright as Gus about my vision of a playing with balls on stage. But hey... just leaves us the chance to make our Boobcaster.

*Boobcaster - patent pending"

Source: carverdoug.com/wang.html

Who Said Video Games Weren't Educational?

2009-01-07T19:50:00.006-05:00

6-year-old takes family car after missing bus

"WICOMICO CHURCH, Va. — A 6-year-old Virginia boy who missed his bus tried to drive to school in his family's sedan — and crashed. His parents were charged with child endangerment. State police said the boy suffered only minor injuries and authorities drove him to school after he was evaluated at a local hospital for a bump on his head. He arrived shortly after lunch, Sgt. Tom Cunningham said.

It happened around 7:40 a.m. Monday on Route 360, about 61 miles east of Richmond.

The boy, whose name wasn't released, missed the bus, took the keys to his family's 2005 Ford Taurus and drove nearly six miles toward school while his mother was asleep, police said.

He made at least two 90-degree turns, passed several cars and ran off the rural two-lane road several times before hitting an embankment and utility pole about a mile and a half from school.

The boy told police he learned to drive playing Grand Theft Auto and Monster Truck Jam video games.

"He was very intent on getting to school," said Northumberland County Sheriff Chuck Wilkins. "When he got out of the car, he started walking to school. He did not want to miss breakfast and PE."

All I know is if I ever get me one of these "6 year olds" I want them to have this kid's ambition. He get's himself up and dressed, already figured out breakfast and PE are the best parts of school, knows how to drive a car 6 miles (!) before crashing AND after being in the hospital STILL made it to history class. That's like 10 times more than we did today.

I think we just found a play date for Lil Derrick .

It's Christmas PEW PEW

2008-12-25T20:51:00.000-05:00

There's decorating and there's DECORATING. Then there's this fuckin thing. Every year I run into the same problem... Kane not holding the ladder still while I awesome up the house for the holidays. Looks like those days are over. Alls we need now is a pile of paper shred, cannon air gun, good eye doctor, and some glue. Then what?? You guessed it.. That shit's Christmas'd!

He's A Real Tiger In The...... Uh Office?

2008-12-22T17:25:00.002-05:00

"The South Korean guy shown in the video looks like a pretty average businessman when he sits at his desk or attends meetings at his company. However, whenever he needs to leave a chair and go somewhere, he gets down on all fours and walks like a tiger. Apparently he had been suffering health problems, but after reading a newspaper article about the benefits of such a walking style, he began walking like a tiger all the time. He gets a lot of funny looks in public and it can be hard for his coworkers to speak with him while walking somewhere together, but he claims that the tiger walk has greatly improved his health. He’s even attracted a few followers and formed an organization of people who walk on all fours!"

I'd like to know what these "health problems" were first before I make any assumptions. Because if he suffered from good posture, clean hands and a social life then I understand him wanting to rid himself of such ailments.

This is why Kane and I pay extra for good health insurance.

Source: Japanprobe.com

Don't Forget To Have Your Robo-Dog Spade Or Neutered

2008-12-19T08:24:00.000-05:00

Holy F ME! A giant fire breathing robo-dog motorcycle villain!! Can you imagine seeing Larry (horribly named btw) coming at you? Let's just hope you're capable of running faster than a coma patient. Otherwise you're totally fucked.

Do You Wall Take This Crazy Lady

2008-12-17T09:09:00.005-05:00

"A Swedish woman with a fetish for inanimate objects has revealed she's been married to the Berlin Wall for 29 years.

Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer, 54, whose surname means Berlin Wall in German, wed the concrete structure in 1979, reports the Daily Telegraph.

Mrs Berliner-Mauer, who has been diagnosed with a condition called Objectum-Sexuality, claimed she fell in love with the wall when she first saw it on TV as a child.

She began collecting "his" pictures and saving up for visits. On her sixth trip in 1979 they tied the knot before a handful of guests.

While she remains a virgin with humans, she insists she had a full, loving relationship with the wall.

Mrs Berliner-Mauer, who lives in Liden, northern Sweden, said: "I find long, slim things with horizontal lines very sexy.

"The Great Wall of China's attractive, but he's too thick - my husband is sexier."

While the rest of mankind rejoiced when the Berlin Wall was largely torn down in 1989, its "wife" was horrified.

She's never been back and now has only model to remind her of "his" former glory.

Mrs Berliner-Mauer, who has shifted her affections to a nearby garden fence, said: "What they did was awful. They mutilated my husband."

Can you imagine being this woman's "second husband"?? oy!

"Well Berlin Wall never gave me splinters"... "HE never had chipped paint!"

How could you live up to that? This poor garden fence is just praying for a drunk driver to plow it over or maybe a nice case of termites. Which can totally be arranged btw. I've actually been looking for a reason to break up with my ol' ball n chain parking meter. She's just a gold... 'er silver digger.

Source: ananova

Gangsta Granny: She'll Put a Cap In Yo Ass... Then Kiss It and Make It All Better

2008-12-11T20:02:00.001-05:00

"A US company claims to have received federal approval to market a 9-mm handgun as a medical device and hopes the US government will reimburse seniors who buy the $300 firearm.

Called the Palm Pistol, the weapon is designed for people who have trouble firing a normal handgun due to arthritis and other debilitating conditions.

The sales information reads: "It is also ideal for seniors, disabled or others who may have limited strength or manual dexterity. Using the thumb instead of the index finger for firing, it significantly reduces muzzle drift, one of the principal causes of inaccurate targeting. Point and shoot couldn't be easier."

Hey you know what else makes for inaccurate targeting... glaucoma, dementia and Alzheimer's.

No this is a great idea. My nana is always feuding with the lady across the hall at her nursing home. We'll see what Iris has to say now when nana swipes her sugar free pudding cup...

*Update* - Nana needs bail money.

Photo: newscientist.com

Robot Girlfriend... Doesn't Fight Crime. What's The Point?

2008-12-11T08:58:00.004-05:00

"Inventor Le Trung, 33, created Aiko, said to be "in her 20s" with a stunning 32, 23, 33 figure, shiny hair and delicate features.

So far she can understand and speak 13,000 different sentences in English and Japanese, so she's already fairly intelligent. "When I need to do my accounts, Aiko does all the maths. She is very patient and never complains."

He said he did not build Aiko as a sexual partner, but said she could be tweaked to become one. "Her software could be redesigned to simulate her having an orgasm and reacting to touch as if she is playing hard to get or being straight to the point," he said.

"Fem-bot" Aiko, who has cost £14,000 (~$21,000) to build so far, is a whizz at maths and even does Le's accounts.

Le, a scientific genius from Brampton in Ontario, Canada, said he never had time to find a real partner so he designed one using the latest technology.

I know plenty of girls that can speak 13,000 different sentences and they're fuckin idiots. So thanks but no thanks.

Le... my bro... you're going about this all wrong. You've put more money into her abilities to balance your checkbook than pleasure you.. Do you see where I'm going with this? Yep you guessed it.. you're just gonna have to build Aiko a sister and sleep with her. It's all in the name of science so you know... s'cool.

ps. She looks old enough (almost) to be on the Chinese gymnastic team. Maybe you should work on her back handspring step out. Pure gold!

Source: thesun

No Boarding Pass Needed For This Plane... Just An Eye Patch.

2008-12-11T08:33:00.000-05:00

"Ready for take off. Take your paper airplane experience to electrifying new heights with The Electric Paper Plane Launcher! This fun kit was designed at Middlesex University, one of the leading design Universities in the UK. With simple assemble, you can discover how spinning motors and plastic discs can be used to launch a plane at over 30 mph! Imported. Wipe clean."

Thirty fuckin miles an hour!?! What's this thing supposed to do... impale vampires? hmmmm I can get on board with that... 'cause if this thing really is JUST a paper plane tosser I'll be pissed. Don't get me wrong.. I'm all for equality and if this gem helps armless people grant their one life long wish to throw a carefully crafted college ruled loose leaf sheet of paper.. well that's beautiful.

I will say that "spinning motors and plastic discs" sounds like a recipe for blood shed but someone needs to take a stand against these vampires. Have you seen their hair? Scary... I know.

ps. I challenge that this product warrants calling this school a "leading design university." There's no ode to bacon or advancement in porn privacy at work soooo let's just slow down with the acclamations.

Photo: urbanoutfitters.com

For Those That Like It From The Back: Thanks But No Thanks

2008-12-09T20:53:00.001-05:00

"The Grippity is extremely weird looking, taking on a whole new dimension when it comes to typing as you are required to type from the back. The actual production model is finally ready, and it does not lose an iota of its coolness. You get a full QWERTY keyboard that allows for eight-finger typing yoga straight from the back, while a couple of triggers behind double up as mouse buttons."

Ever wanted to give your keyboard the 'ol reach around? Yeah me either... but just in case, the Grippity is your man... er keyboard.

For a mere $100 you can guarantee yourself frustration and a dash of arthritis. I'm pretty sure both of those are tax write offs... so go for it!

ps. I know a good dry wall guy for when you ninja star this ridiculous hunk of crap into the wall. Hit me up.

Photo: ubergizmo.com

Harry Potter Inspires New Sport Up North: It's Hella Wicked Uncool... Pissa

2008-12-04T20:05:00.003-05:00

"The earthbound variation is called Muggle Quidditch. The sport originated in 2005 when a student at Middlebury College adapted the game for the nonmagical world. Its popularity quickly spread, and today more than 150 colleges throughout the United States have Quidditch teams.

As in the fictional game, each Muggle Quidditch team has seven players: three chasers, two beaters, a keeper, and a seeker. Chasers score points by throwing a quaffle, or volleyball, through one of three hoops (worth 10 points) while trying to avoid bludgers, or dodgeballs, that are thrown by beaters. (If chasers are hit by a bludger, they must drop the quaffle.) The keeper's job is to protect the three goalposts, while the seeker must capture the snitch -- a sock stuffed with tennis balls carried by a person (typically a cross-country runner) dressed in gold. Capturing the snitch nets an additional 30 points and ends the game."

The visual I have for this game is f'n ridiculous! So you mean you took the mystical magical sport of flying on broomsticks and chasing a ball with wings at unbelievable speeds and turned it into running around the quad with a volleyball and an idiot dressed in gold with 3 tennis balls stuffed in a sock?? Got it.

Man college sure has changed. I remember just a bunch of people gettin sickie woo wasted, sleeping with a lot of "6"s and praying to pass calculus. oh well... if living on ramen noodles and getting no exercise other than kegstands is wrong.. I don't wanna be right.

*Update* Nevermind I just saw the video and I've learned that the kids playing this are usually the ones that fuck up the grading curve. So hopefully with something for these nerds to do Kane can pass this Molecular Transgenics class.

What the hell.. here's the video.

Time Machine Clock Only Takes You Back To Confusedville

2008-12-03T12:51:00.000-05:00

“The Time Machine Clock is a kinetic display device that eschews the normal conventions of a timepiece - hands, to you and me - and instead replaces them with an altogether more elaborate means of saying ‘ten past two’. A central spindle counts the seconds, releasing a ball every minute. Once five minutes is reached, the five minute ball is released. These balls accumulate until 12 have been released, whereupon the one hour ball is set free and rolls into place. This continues on the hour, every hour. Along the way, a precision movement mechanism ensures complete accuracy.”

That's just fascinating.. now will someone tell me what fuckin time it is please! If Kane's late to his yarn spinning class they charge me extra.

*Update*: Apparently thumbs are a prerequisite for the class. Great... I have no spun yarn and still no bloody idea what time it is.

Photo: Gadget Shop

Dinner's Ready: Now Who's Gonna Say Grace

2008-12-03T12:49:00.005-05:00

Having the in-laws over this holiday and feel like your place needs some sprucin up? Well fear no more.. you're welcome.

I'm just glad to see my letters aren't going unread at Chandelier Design Digest.

Photo: Ballerhouse

Not the Crotch Rocket Your Grand-daddy Rode

2008-12-02T21:02:00.008-05:00

That's quite the... umm.. hog you got there mister creepy body wave perm guy. Yeah I said body wave perm.. I'm sure I can take a guy that has more seats on his motorcycle than I have in my monster truck wheels Sm art Car.

So much for not having to pick any of your loser no car having friends up because you're "on your bike". Way to go!

Well honestly I can't see what could go wrong with this ride. Looks safe and like whole HELL OF A LOTA fun. Now who's in charge of hand signals? Cause if I'm in the back I'm givin everyone the bird. Just a heads up.

Haute Couture's Got Nuthin On This

2008-12-02T20:39:00.005-05:00

"Ideal for summer festivals and a fantastic choice for everyday camping this clever sleeping bag keeps you warm all night and makes for no extra carriage on the way home simply because, you wear it!"

One of the right hand homies of "Scooter Is The New Black", Cranky, is a big fan of both sleeping bags and walking. He's going to f'n flip when he sees this!

I'd like to know who the hell is wearing this to "summer festivals"?? I've been to my share of concerts, beer bashes, wine festivals, renaissance fairs and battle of the bands and I've never looked around and said "look at this tool.. he's not wearing his sleeping bag like the AOL running man."

Well lets just hope that as Pepe says... one size does not fit all because we'll have some serious problems. I hope they have one in my size... size sexy!

Photo: DrinkStuff

Australia Fights Back: Nude and Loud, Say It Proud!

2008-11-18T16:26:00.004-05:00

CANBERRA (Reuters) – An Australian holiday resort will hold a month-long, nude "anything goes" party to combat an expected economic downturn, media reports said on Thursday.

"Tough economic times call for stiff measures," Tony Fox, the owner of the White Cockatoo resort in Mossman, in tropical Queensland state, told the Courier-Mail newspaper.

"It will be a hedonism resort, where anything goes for a month. It doesn't take rocket science to work out what it means," Fox said, naming March as the risque party month."

Kane and I just sold blood and now can finally get the vacation we deserve! Anything goes? You swear?? Hm Can't see anything that could go wrong there.

I'll go down.... under (I figured the article didn't have enough bad innuendos) for this kind of throwdown. See you in March mates!

Flip Flops Worth Flippin For!

2008-11-18T16:20:00.002-05:00

"The Reef Men's Dram Sandal features a hidden flask so you can smuggle your moonshine into any sporting event, concert, or boring lecture. The polyurethane-encapsulated canteen hides in the heel and opens with the included church key/fin key...

These flip-flops' synthetic nubuck uppers and compression-molded EVA footbeds feel mad comfortable and they won't get thrashed by the water, which makes the Dram Sandals great for boating or chilling on the beach."

My number one complaint about vacation is that I can't fit my flask into those stupid board shorts... true story. Oh that and my family's there but this doesn't fix that.

Now I can take a stroll on the beach with my 2 favorite things: the sunset and Johnny Walker.

People look at me a little odd for wearing these in the winter but I'm too plowed to care. Thanks flip flop scientists.

Source: Amazon

Slutometer: Finally!

2008-11-18T15:56:00.007-05:00

" * Button-activated sexual conquest counter
* Digital display moves up and a siren plays over congratulatory phrases when activated
* Includes reset button
* Batteries not included

There's no room for romance in the numbers game. Points are scored every time you land a snog, a grope or a full-on shag. Hit the respective button and the built-in siren will announce news of your success to the world."

Let's see 67.... spring break in cabo... 68... wait where was I??? shit! Ok start over. Back of a Subaru.. one... this is going to take forever!

Not any more!! Carry your slutometer to solve this age old problem. It even plays a sound when you add a conquest. Nice!

Includes a reset button when you want to lie to your new girlfriend or when you got drunk and passed out on the button... Sorry Kane.

And need I say, honesty rule in effect fellas. *yeah right*

Oh batteries not included: story of my life.

Photo: play.com

Slinky... Can we keep him dad??

2008-11-18T15:42:00.003-05:00

This video is f'n amazing. Try to be sober'ish when you watch or it'll make you a little car sick.

I had a slinky growing up. It never did anything remotely cool. Plop down one step then my brother would bend it so it's only use was wrapping it around my head to make my galaxy futuristic mars hat. Which subsequently had to be cut out of my hair once. Still worth it.

*galaxy futuristic mars hat - patent pending

Beer On A Stick.. Helps You Not Get Laid

2008-11-14T15:38:00.002-05:00

" It’s an injected-molded polystyrene 3 piece cup holder. Our intuitive design makes it easy to assemble. Our low order minimums make it easy for you to try Beer on a Stick™ at your next event!

We are sure you'll share our enthusiasm for this new product. Sit back and enjoy one of your favorite beverages using the Beer on a Stick™ cup holder and we're sure you'll agree that this item is truly unique and fun.

We feel, “It’s how you hold that keeps it cold – Beer on a Stick™!”"

Beer on a stick!! I like just about anything on a stick but come on.. some things are sacred.

In honor of it being Friday and I'm gettin sickie woo wasted this weekend, I thought I'd share this gem with you.

So this 'product', if you will, claims that it will end your days of hand temperature beer or wet cold hands. I remember college... kinda... and I don't remember those issues ever coming up. If they did we just got tossed upside down and drank straight from the source. I guess the losers that would actually use this thing didn't go to college. So kids, what have we learned?? Exactly... I've lost my pants again. SICKIE WOO!

Photo: beeronastick.net

For the Girl That Has Everything.... 'Cept a Plastic Bag

2008-11-14T08:50:00.009-05:00

"Lingerie manufacturer Triumph International Japan has unveiled a new type of brassiere that can be converted into a shopping bag. When the bra is being worn, the “shopping bag” portions are folded away inside the bra cups, where they serve as extra padding. The bra quickly converts to a shopping bag by removing the bag portions from the cups and connecting the hooks on the bra’s underwire."

Wait just a little.. eh hold on.. ok *unsnap*... got it.. *through the sleeve*. Now lets see fold this down... over.. tie up here and VOILA! a bag to hold your other valuables ladies. Just stay clear of the frozen food section at the grocery store. Could be a little 'cold' for you.

Photo: Triumph

Theatre Just Dance Dance Revolutioned It's Way Into My Heart.

2008-11-11T16:33:00.005-05:00

Dance Dance Revolution: The Musical!

"Brace yourselves for the theater event of the year: Dance Dance Revolution, the musical. Starring As The World Turns actor Van Hansis, it will feature original songs, a 40-person cast and DDR.

The plot:

"It's set in an Orwellian society where a dance prophet named Moonbeam Funk helps dancing youth gangs rebel against a fascist government. The company working on the show describes it as "like Footloose set in the future — but kind of scarier, and with 40 really attractive, barely-clothed young actors and buckets of free beer."

Dude I'd go see paint dry if you gave it that kind of plot summary. I like how they warn you that it's "like Footloose - but kind of scarier". hmmmm Footloose was pretty fuckin scary so this is going to be crazy scary! I just know it.

I can't wait for the story build up when we see how Moonbeam Funk changed the ways of young gang rebels of a fascist government to naked boys dancing on a metal video game to Justin Timberlake's "Sexy Back". I know a winner when I see one. *SWISH!*

Photo: kotaku.com

The Wheelchair Market Is Still Safe.

2008-11-11T13:47:00.005-05:00

"Honda intros experimental walking assist device

Honda Motor on Friday announced it will begin real-world testing of its second experimental walking assist device designed to reduce the strain on a user's leg muscles and joints such as hips, knees and ankles."

Just so I'm clear... you can trade your stiff knees for an uncomfortable crotch, chaffing thighs, permanently ugly shoes, inconvenient bathroom breaks and an all day wedgie? Good to know.

It's hard to understand the actual benefit this thing offers when it's only being demonstrated by healthy young Asian men. I'm guessing they aren't the target market. They should send me a prototype and 2... make that 3... bottles of rum. I'll let you know if it "assists in walking".

Update: You couldn't spring for Bacardi? sheesh.. anyway. While it does help you walk, it doesn't fair well when walking right off the 2 story porch. I'll be sending this back. CUSTOMER DOES NOT RECOMMEND.

Photo: electonista

It Sounds Like They Were Drunk When They Named This Town

2008-11-11T13:00:00.005-05:00

Cops have tough time finding sober driver for boy

"SCHERERVILLE, Ind. – Indiana state police said that after a mother was arrested for drunken driving, the three relatives who came to pick up her 1-year-old son also had all been drinking. A state trooper stopped a minivan for speeding early Saturday on U.S. 30 in Schererville in northwestern Indiana. He arrested the 24-year-old woman on a drunken driving charges.

The boy's father arrived later to pick him up, but officers determined he was intoxicated and also arrested him on a drunken driving charge.

Police said the boy's grandparents then arrived. Both of them also had been drinking, state police said, but the grandmother who was driving was not over the legal limit, so officers escorted them home with the child."

Wow... the first part of this article saddened me because it's def not cool to be driving drunk with a baby. Call them a cab during last call or something. But then I read on and realized that this baby's gene pool is probably going to allow it to live on for many years off of my tax dollars. Which makes this article even sadder to me. *sigh*

Pop A Squat at the Airport... Sure Why the Hell Not

2008-11-11T12:22:00.002-05:00

"Never again find yourself stranded in a transportation terminal with no place to sleep! The Mini Motel provides you with comfortable sleeping accommodations no matter where your travels take you."

What's worse than gettin shloshed at the airport tavern then needing to sleep it off or 'no boarding for you mister'? I'll tell you... Trying to sleep it off on a magazine stand. Apparently that's frowned upon in Atlanta.

It seems like the maker of this little joker has had the same experience.

This is a great idea. It's got all of the qualities to be a real star. Let's see.. we've got additional carry-on weight, opens up to become giant space hog tent equipped with an air mattress (which I've yet to figure out how you inflate), an alarm clock to scare the be-jebus out of people that don't want to hear sudden alarms at the airport, a toothbrush (ewww and you should already have one of those being that you are at an airport)... oh and ear plugs so you can't hear the security person telling you to move your dumb ass.

I'll take 2

Photo: minimotel.net

"Go Straight To Jail"... Brings Back Memories For Players

2008-11-08T13:13:00.007-05:00

"Paydays are generally an opportunity to pay down your debt. Debt is incurred by buying vehicles and a home on credit. Perhaps a $500 TV, getting married, divorced, re-married, and having too many young’ens! You may fail at step parenting and be able to give your Darryls to another player.Extra earning opportunities arise: Part-time job shooting rats at the dump. Collect $20. New business venture: Steal and sell wheelchairs. Collect $300. Unexpected Expenses occur: One of your TVs breaks. Buy a nice new TV. Pay $500. Accidentally break industrial scale at feed store while weighing yourself. Pay $200 for repairs. Revenge, Sweet Revenge … Go in on a bass boat with any other player, You each pay $300. You need more time to watch TV. You may divide all of your young’ens between the other players. Steal and part out any other player’s vehicle. Collect half its value. Witness Protection Program: May trade homes with any other player."

YAY for poverty!!! If I've said it once I've said it a million times.. there needs to be a multi player board game mocking illiterate destitute po'folk. Finally!

This may hit a little too close to home for some of my friends. Listen just because you can drive your house over to my house doesn't mean you're a redneck. Wait... forget it. Pass the Schnapps.

Photo and Description: Amazon.com

Introducing Mr. Combined, Esquire

2008-11-08T12:51:00.001-05:00

"A teenager has changed his birth name by deed poll to incorporate several comic book superheroes.

George Garratt from Glastonbury has become Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine The Hulk And The Flash Combined.

The 19-year-old music student made the change "for a bit of a laugh", through a legally-recognised website.

He said: "I decided on a superheroes theme and whenever my friends offered up suggestions to me, I added them."

He added: "My family have begun to expect these sorts of things from me, and although my friends thought it was ridiculous most people do call me Captain and it's been a great conversation starter." "

I don't remember The Hulk being particularly fast... big yes.. green yes.. fast not so much. So there's hole number one in your bullet proof idea.

You know what's a good idea when you're 19 years old... taking advice from your 19 year old friends. And you're right I'm sure they were giving you more names to add to your brilliant (not even a little) stunt. When I was 19, my friends suggested I hold a lit sparkler in my teeth and write curse words in the air. I didn't have eyebrows again until I was 21. (Totally worth it!)

At the end of the day this kid IS in 'music school' so.. you know.. it's not like he'll ever have a real job.. ziiiing!

Photo: BBC News

Bullet Proof... Not Really. Expensive.. Really.

2008-11-08T12:50:00.000-05:00

"The Bullet-proof Handkerchief For the Promiscuous Idealist whom Lives in Elegant Danger"

The 21st century ninja dandy bullet-proof handkerchief made of Bullet-Proof Aramid is exclusively sold at Liborius. The store and designer take NO responsibility for schmucks and wooden-heads who feel compelled to test the endurance or resistance of the textile in any way."

Has someone put a hit out on your left nipple? Well fear no more. This stylish gentleman's hankie has just promised to protect your areola. (just the left one... sorry rightie.. you're on your own)

Who you callin a wooden-head??? Don't give me a 'bullet proof' product then call me names for testing it out. That's like giving me ice cream and calling me a 'dip shit' for tasting it. I have no self control. That's a fact.

Anyway, I think this is great. I'm definitely a 'Promiscuous Idealist" who's looking for "Elegant Danger". Between this and my shoes that squirt grease to trip up the bad guys, I'm closer to my life as James Bond. I just need a bond girl and a remote control Mercedes. Oh and triple A, he definitely had triple A.

Photo: srulirecht.com

If This Is Our New Currency... My Backseat Is Loaded!

2008-11-08T12:07:00.001-05:00

"Man attempts to pay $32 bar tab with gum wrappers

LAWTON, Okla. – A 28-year-old man who attempted to pay for his bar tab with gum wrappers was arrested after a scuffle with a police officer on Tuesday night, authorities said. A bartender told police the man was playing pool with an open bottle of beer and spilled some of it on the table. She said he first tried to pay his $32 tab with a credit card, which was declined.

When police arrived and ordered the man to pay his tab, they reported that he began counting out gum wrappers as if they were cash.

The man was detained on a complaint of disorderly conduct and assault on a police officer."

I hate when my friends go out without me. I would have totally paid Street King Midas's tab with a bad check... but noooo.

I don't blame him for paying in gum wrappers. Have you seen the dollar's exchange rate? They'd be better off takin Freedent wrappers than these worthless pieces of paper.

Story: AP

Does My Suit Make You Horny? I Mean... Hungry?

2008-11-06T18:52:00.005-05:00

Bacon Scented Bacon Print Tuxedo

"There's a theory that everything is better with bacon. We believe that theory with all of our heart. To that end, we are introducing our line of bacon formal wear with Uncle Oinker's Bacon Scented Bacon Print Tuxedo. You can get married in bacon, get confirmed in bacon or go to the Oscars in bacon! Wait until Joan Rivers gets a whiff of you. Each Tuxedo is tailored from chemically treated latex print fabric in one of four different sizes. Best of all, it smells just like bacon sizzling in the pan. Dry clean only."

Me and one of my right hand mc's, Ryder EZ, have stated on numerous occasions that everything is better with bacon. But this concerns even me. Something about this "chemically treated latex print fabric" screams 'bad for your health' if you ask me... but you know what.. F IT.. you smell like fuckin bacon dude!! all day!! You're gonna get chicks all day long.. not the ones that you'll want to tell your friends about but still chicks.

I think that the bacon scientists that can invent wearable bacon could have come up with a better name than "Uncle Oinker's" but that could just be the fumes talkin. I'll let it slide.

Photo: mcphee.com

Not the 'Six Shooter' I Had In Mind

2008-11-04T17:15:00.006-05:00

"If you're serious about your brew, and when it's quantity over quality, strap on a Beer Belt ($18). The Batman-worthy nylon belt features six plastic holsters designed to hold cans or bottles of your favorite liquid snack."

I don't know about you but my waist radiates nuclear sexy heat. Not the 'penicillin needed' heat.. just pure sexy heat. So now what am I supposed to do with 6 warm beers? And there's definitely a 'no running' policy in this classy belt. When I'm drunk.. I run. Like a gazelle. It's a gift really. So call me when they make the igloo cooler fanny pack that can hold a cold six pack, bubble wrap, and match my trucker hat that states the obvious "Sexy" across it.

PS. Let's not drag Batman into this. Everyone knows he's a Gin man.

Photo: Dvice.com

A Lot of Effort To See Boobs at Work... Just Sayin.

2008-11-04T16:45:00.009-05:00

WOW WTF WOW! This is f'n ridiculous! I know I say that a lot but I really mean it this time. True story! I say that a lot too huh? Well no joke here.

How much porn do you have to be trying to watch at work to come up with this idea? Just pull a fire alarm or tell everyone there's 3 hour old leftovers from a meeting in the kitchen and you'll get a few minutes of privacy. Seriously.

They claim the brown one is to eat your sandwich in privacy. REALLY!? What the fuck is in your sandwich that you need to keep private... You do know they made tomatoes legal right? I know it's recent but trust me.

Photos: Sternlab.com

I Believe The Children Are Our Future

2008-11-04T12:17:00.000-05:00

"Kid-sized treadmill is big time fun! Easy start/stop kid-driven rollers are perfect for low-resistance workouts and "just like Mom and Dad" fun! Padded foam handles for comfort and safety. Ages 3+"

Taking your kids outside for exercise becoming a hassle? Well today is your lucky day. Strap your kid to this nifty tool and sit your fat ass back on the couch. You're welcome.

Who are they fooling with the "just like Mom and Dad" reference. Really? If mom and dad were fitness freaks.. chances are you're gettin fresh air.

I don't see anything wrong with this gadget, to be honest. I just think there should be a lawn mower or vacuum attached to the front. We call that 'earnin your keep'.

Photo: lbtoys.com

Do These Suction Cups Make My Ass Look Big?

2008-11-03T12:34:00.000-05:00

"A belt with three GIANT suction cups for you to hitch onto anything. That’s exactly what the Hitch concept is by designer Robert Nightingale. He believes in a free world where opportunistic travelers just latch themselves onto moving vehicles. The triple load vacuum suction cups are strong enough to keep you from flying off. As the designer puts it. . .

For best results position yourself at traffic lights, railway stations or air hangers. Subtly wait for the opportune moment (which is precisely 7 seconds before the initial point of acceleration) and attach the product as firmly as possible to the host vehicle (a brief run up usually does the trick), paying attention to ground clearance for ones feet and enjoy the ride"

Do you have good insurance and no reason to live? Well meet me in 30 minutes cause this thing is AWESOME!

We thought it was cool that Marty McFly, from Back to the Future, could skateboard behind cars.. well suck it Marty! With a casual jog, leap of faith and a little suction action... we're riding the side of a carpet cleaner van.

Update: When jumping onto a non-participating subject's car, it's a good idea to bring cab money. I'm currently 2 states away and Kane won't answer my calls.

These Boobs Are Made For Walking

2008-10-31T10:12:00.003-04:00

Small-Chested Drivers OK in Vietnam

"HANOI, Vietnam (Oct. 30)- Faced with mounting public criticism, Vietnam's Health Ministry suspended a widely ridiculed plan to ban short, thin and small-chested drivers.

When the media revealed the plan this week, it prompted disbelief and scorn among members of the public, who envisioned the police pulling over female drivers to measure their breasts."

First off.. Police have been pulling women over to measure breasts for centuries. That's just science and you can't argue with science.

Secondly don't forget to vote for the "36 24 36" bill this election day. We don't want our streets cluttered with flat chested women. This is America!

iDorks

2008-10-31T09:07:00.003-04:00

"LOL People on digg think we stole these displays from apple lol. But we didnt its just an LCD tv hooked into a video ipod. We edited the display video and cut out all the zoom out shots we dont work for apple or anything. I'm a DJ and Bobby is in a rock band. Thats part of the ponytail thing lol."

Someone likes to LOL... Anybody wanna carpool to go punch these two idiots in their playlist button? That's the only "LOL" that I can get from this.

Of course Bobby is in a rock band! He has a flippin ponytail dude! My nana has a ponytail.. and of course she's also in a rock band so this all makes sense. I wonder if Bobby uses those sweet sweet robot moves when he's thrashin hard on stage? Don't let me forget to ask him before I push him over in his stupid costume.

Sleeping Mask Helps You Look Stupid. Not That You Needed Help.

2008-10-29T21:12:00.007-04:00

"For drowsy train commuters afraid of sleeping past their stop, inventor and manga artist Pyocotan has developed “Noriko-san,” a sleep mask with an electronic scrolling display that communicates the wearer’s destination to fellow passengers.

Noriko-san is designed to give sleepyheads greater peace of mind (and thus a deeper level of sleep) by increasing the odds that a stranger will wake them in time. In theory, other passengers feel compelled to act either out of courtesy or simply so they can sit in the empty seat left behind."

Really?? You know what we call sleeping passengers on the train where I'm from?? "victims"

Let's just say I'm not armed and don't plan on stealing this man's Sears card... I certainly plan on fuckin with him and waking him up one stop too late. Why not? That's a pretty cheap price to pay considering.

Hey we'd all like a little catnap/good Samaritan combo but such is life.

Photo: pinktentacle.com

Dude We Get It. You're a DJ

2008-10-29T17:01:00.006-04:00

"The idea for the DJ Mobile is inspired
by the song "God is a DJ" [from faithless] and the car of our HOLY-POPE.
These two things were mixed together and there it was the DJ Mobile.
The DJ Mobile is a functional artwork with a PA System built in.
It can be used for a lot of different events."

Raise your hand if you know a DJ... Ok the entire planet raised it's hand. But to try to do a DJ/Pope-mobile hybrid is pretty ridiculous even for a DJ. And I'm no DJ car scientist but I think the speaker to cab ratio is a little much... who's with me?

How bout this.. when the Pope starts doing weddings and bar mitzvahs we'll talk about you driving around blaring Kool & The Gang's 'Celebration'. Deal? k good.

Wait... it just said it can be rented out. Oh snap! Christmas carolin' is gonna be a whole new experience for my neighborhood. And you're welcome.

Photo: olafmooij.com

Where the F*** Is My Plant?

2008-10-28T15:20:00.004-04:00

Did you lose your plant? Well that makes two of us.

This crazy plant robot seeks out sun in your house and soaks it up to stay alive. Which is a good thing because, if solely dependent on me, that sucker wouldn't have a chance.

My only problem is that we have a doggy door and that sunnabitch took off. I knew at some point robots would outsmart us I just didn't think it would cost me my hibiscus. Robot one: Scooter zero.

Photo: Playcoalition.net

Round Pool Table Complete With Stripper Pole

2008-10-28T15:19:00.000-04:00

I have an entirely new visual for "eight ball corner pocket". Thanks ballerhouse.com.

Drinkin & Drivin. Minus Jail and Court. Sounds Alright... I Guess

2008-10-28T12:14:00.007-04:00

"The Octane 120 is the ultimate in home arcade gaming, and combines three things every adult gamer wants: classic arcade games, arcade-style racing, and a beer tap to get your favorite beverage without having to get out of the seat. Our High-end gaming PC is powerful enough to play today’s games and the unit comes with 12 classis and modern driving games."

Need practice at your drinking and driving?? Don't we all.. oh that reminds me I need to send a 'thank you' note to my neighbor for letting me park in her kitchen.. sweet lady.

I'm a little disappointed that I sent this idea to Ford and it wasn't brought to life for my Festiva. Maybe I wasn't clear enough on the beer tap console. Hindsight... am I right?

After springing the $7,000 for this necessary structure.. my only advice to the arcade scientists is that you make the driver seat recline. Nothing like passing out face first in the steering wheel to make your chiropractor give you "the talk"... again.

Miss Dot Com To You

2008-10-28T10:48:00.006-04:00

Teen's New Name Is CutoutDissection.com

"ASHEVILLE, N.C. (Oct. 13) - You can call her CutoutDissection.com, Cutout for short, but just don't call her Jennifer. The former Jennifer Thornburg — now legally CutoutDissection.com — wanted to do something real to protest animal dissections in schools.
The 19-year-old's new name is also the Web address for an anti-dissection page of the site for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, where she is interning.

"I normally do have to repeat my name several times when I am introducing myself to someone new," she told The Asheville Citizen-Times for a story last week. "Once they find out what my name is, they want to know more about what the Web site is about."

Really? You have to repeat your name several times?? Is it that they can't hear you over the sound of their eyes rolling?? Cause that's my guess.

CutoutDissection.com... can I call you Idiot for short? ok good. I can't help but think you're going to regret this decision. I mean sure it's funny to think about changing you name but when it happens it starts to seem like maybe someone went to far.

Trust me on this... after having to change all of my utility bills and monogram towels to "Cash Money" I realized it really wasn't worth it.

Its scares the shit out of me that people can change their name to a URL address. I have a feeling that I'm going to end up with a friend named "TwoGirlzOneKup.com". Matter fact I'd put money on it.

Story: Associated Press

2 Tacos Extra Cheese... Hold The Pot

2008-10-28T10:47:00.009-04:00

Colo. couple get marijuana with order of tacos

"LAKEWOOD, Colo. – A Colorado couple found an unusual topping on their order of tacos: a small bag of marijuana.

They discovered the drugs with their order from a Del Taco restaurant and called police, said Lakewood police spokesman Steve Davis.

Twenty-six-year-old Dennis Klermund, who police say waited on the husband when he picked up food Oct. 16, faces charges of possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia."

My buddy, Greg, just went to Del Taco demanding the "happy" meal. I see disappointment in his future.

I can understand calling the police if they put a grenade or an endangered species on your taco.. but come on. Everyone knows at least one pothead right? No?? Ok I'll give you that one, but it still rings true.. no one likes a tattle tale.

I hope you're happy "Colorado Couple"... Dennis will never have a career in fast food aga..... haha I couldn't finish that with a straight face.

Space Travel. The Not Fun Kind.

2008-10-28T10:47:00.008-04:00

Micro spacecraft to blast single brave rider into space

"They're calling this rocket HEAT, or Hybrid Exo Atmospheric Transporter, and it'll propel a human into space at a relatively gentle 3g force, hardly enough to break even the fragilest of legs. The quarters will be cramped, with the astronaut strapped into the pressurized compartment so tightly, only limited arm movement will be possible. Not exactly a limo ride, but maybe it'll be cheap.

This is one of two upcoming craft from the Danish aerospace startup — the other vehicle will be the unmanned Hybrid Atmospheric Test Vehicle, a 1/3-scale sounding rocket that will test the company's new rocket engines. That motor is off to a good start, passing its first test earlier this week."

Call me crazy but this looks like it could go horribly wrong. When I think space travel I certainly don't think bank drive-thru tube or CAT scan.

First off I'm not traveling through space alone. I need at least 2 sidekicks and a cooler. This contraption clearly doesn't meet those requirements. Also, where is the fun in no gravity if I'm strapped in like a mental patient. God forbid I get an itch!

Oh and don't even get me started on the bathroom questions I have. Seriously...

Photo & Quote: dvice.com

Gear Heads... Not The Cool Kind.

2008-10-26T14:58:00.008-04:00

"The Remote Wrangler has taken a novel approach to remote control storage that will be sure to take the world by storm, head first. Remote Wrangler can also be used to store Ipods, cell phones and even video game controllers. Currently, only 2 styles are available for this unorthodox headgear but others are sure to follow."

Concerned about losing remotes but not about losing friends? Can't find the perfect accessory to go with your stained "Tron" t-shirt and Hanes sweatpants? Then the Remote Wrangler is right up your alley. Talk about really using your head.. (ugh I hate myself).

The one and only calorie burning activity that the customers of this ridiculous product had, I'm assuming, is looking for the remote. Take that metabolism!

I love how they claim this will "take the world by storm"... Then explain why my top hat/wine rack hybrid never went anywhere? Yeah.. exactly.

*top hat/wine rack gear - patent pending*

Photo: AmericanInventorSpot.com

The Mouse That Speaks Volumes About Your Sex Life

2008-10-26T14:33:00.004-04:00

"Sexy Mouse"

Be the talk of the office... and probably the talk of the HR dept.

This is a horrible learning tool for men to learn about women's breast. So I hear. First there was the peanut butter lid motion, then "tune in Tokyo", now the repetitive clicking of a mouse.

If you get a chance to be with a girl (and I'm assuming if this is your mouse you don't get these opportunities often) please avoid double clicking her to 2nd base. It won't end well. Trust us.. we're mavericks here at "Scooter Is The New Block". By "mavericks" I mean we get our tips from hookers. God Bless Em!

Photo: thisnext.com

The Village Found It's Idiot

2008-10-25T13:51:00.008-04:00

Call centre worker caught out by boss after posting 'sickie' plan on 'Facebook'

"After a particularly heavy night out Kyle Doyle decided that he would phone in sick and treat himself to a day in bed.

To celebrate his day off Kyle, a 21-year-old call centre worker, updated the status on his Facebook page to reflect the fact.

Unfortunately for Kyle, his online boast did not go unnoticed by his employers.

On his profile on the site he wrote: 'not going to work, f*** it i'm still trashed SICKIE WOO.'

Now an email exchange between Kyle and the HR department at the call centre where he worked has been forwarded around the world.

When Kyle protests that his absence was because he was ill, the HR employee simply forwards him a clip of his Facebook profile."

Kyle Kyle Kyle... Here at 'Scooter Is The New Black' we're all for gettin "SICKIE WOO" trashed (trust us) but with great power comes great responsibility.

Maybe when we get wasted and lie to people we should be a little more stealth.

The fact that he didn't realize his awesomeness even when he sobered up is great. I think someone learned a little lesson in the interweb... Like don't request your boss to be friends on Facebook just so you can look like people like you. This will bite you in your sickie woo ass.

Sadly I have a strong feeling that Kyle is sitting in a pub high fiving his douche head friends because he's famous. And his mom is sporting a "Team Kyle" t-shirt.. *sigh*

Photo: dailymail.co.uk/

Bang-Go Your Way Out Of Being Cool

2008-10-24T15:40:00.005-04:00

The Bang-Go is an amazing (not really) product that allows you to adorn your head with this visor/baseball cap hybrid.

Ladies do you want to go out but you've come to realize your bangs are the only attractive feature you have?

Guys do you want to make sure women know you have hair but still prove to them you have bad taste?

Well you're both in luck! Horrify the fashionistas of the world with your very own Bang-Go!

Photo: Bang-go.com

Guitar Girl

2008-10-24T15:39:00.000-04:00

I'm speechless.

And wishing I sprung the extra $15.95 for overnight shipping.

Photo and Inventor: Lou Reimuller

Oh My Damn!

2008-10-23T15:25:00.007-04:00

According to newscientist.com

Packs of robots will hunt down uncooperative humans

"What we have here are the beginnings of something designed to enable robots to hunt down humans like a pack of dogs. Once the software is perfected we can reasonably anticipate that they will become autonomous and become armed.

We can also expect such systems to be equipped with human detection and tracking devices including sensors which detect human breath and the radio waves associated with a human heart beat. These are technologies already developed."

WHAAAAAAT! Two things I've never wanted to hear in the same sentence.. "robots" and "hunt down humans like a pack of dogs". I can't even handle that floor vacuum robot when it's moving towards me.. this new one is going to give me an aneurysm!

There's only one way to handle this... I need to befriend these killa robots, become a bookie and never worry about anyone stiffin me. You just read the blue print for a 'rags to riches' story. *goosebumps*

Photo: Newscientist.com

Robot Bartender (!!)

2008-10-23T13:07:00.012-04:00

"Digital Beverages MyFountain XL

This robo-bartender takes orders, mixes cocktails, and then cleans up. Beneath the countertop dispenser, a dorm-style refrigerator holds up to 12 types of alcohol and mixers, plus a water-line link and a carbon-dioxide cartridge for fizz.

Atop the fridge sits the brain: an Internet-linked Windows XP computer. Enter new recipes on the touchscreen or on a personalized Web page, where you can also trade formulas with your friends.

Tap the screen to select a drink, say, the Martini and pumps send each ingredient up a tube to the nozzle, which mixes and pours them. While you imbibe, a pulse of hot water cleans the nozzle. A leftover droplet of water plugs each tube to keep the flavor from dripping into your next glass.”

EUREKA! I've been waiting for a robot bartender for like EVER! Kane and I went to Coinstar and cashed in our savings to purchase this bad boy.

It has a few pros worth noting:

1) It lets you make new drinks whenever they come to mind.
2) It doesn't refuse things like ketchup or Palmolive as ingredients.
3) It will pour the drink directly in your mouth.

Now being the fair journalist that I am, there's a few cons worth pointing out:

1) It doesn't take my keys when I decide to make a "run for the border".
2) It does not keep me from trying to make out with the video poker game.
3) It doesn't back up my "I'm British Royalty" story.

Just a few pieces of constructive criticism for the robot scientists.

I'll be looking out for Robot Bartender v2.0

Photo: Greg Neumaier

Sunroof Minus The Sun

2008-10-23T12:49:00.006-04:00

Hey fellas, having a problem getting chicks with your 95 Altima because you didn't spring for the sunroof? Did cutting a hole in your last roof prove to be a big headache and just not worth it to impress the ladies? Well your problems are solved (you wish).

Here you have a magnetic faux sticker thing. It's all illusion and all crap.

I have no advice for how you get people not to steal your 'sunroof' but chances are the culprits won't get far as they lay in laughter next to your car. Good luck!

Photo: haha.nu

Wild Women Of Whippoorwill

2008-10-23T12:31:00.008-04:00

I just received this video from a friend of "Scooter Is The New Black", Chantal, and it's a funny watch. I found the lady behind the camera quite infectious. My dad always said "when a smoker lady laughs, an angel gets it's wings." Or something like that.

We used to play this game in college. Only with out the plunger and you know... pants.

The Homeless: "Pimp My Cart"

2008-10-22T13:27:00.007-04:00

I gave Kane some homework. That homework involved him making me a list of the top 10 needs of a homeless person. Guess what didn't make the list? A fucking reclining cart!

Lab.kz spent time and money helping the homeless. How very nice of them. Then they really got in touch with their target market and advertised this gem on the internet. 'SWISH'

With the holidays around the corner it's good to know that I have Crazy Pirate Joe covered.

inSPOT Hits the Infected Spot

2008-10-22T13:09:00.008-04:00

Tired of making those pesky phone calls to drop the STD bomb on your many partners? Embarrassed when you realize how low your standards have gotten when you come face to face to break this glorious news? Well you spoke up and someone listened!

inSPOT is a social networking site for your VD. You tell it what you caught and who you wiggled around on and they send out an email for you. Done and done.

Here's a few tips provided by the site:

"TIPS ABOUT THE SITE

* Notify everyone you've had sex with in the past six months. Oral sex counts, too.
* Try looking through your old emails and your online address book to complete the list.
* If you decide to compose a personal message, put yourself in the other person's shoes. Think about how you were told—what you liked and what you didn't—and put the best of it into words.
* You don't have to provide detailed medical info—this email card will automatically provide links to what they need to know.
* You can send postcards anonymously or from your email address. Historically, when you tell a sex partner(s) yourself, it's more likely s.he will "hear" the message and get tested.
* No information will be collected or shared with any public or private agency."

Ok first off the last thing I get from a hook up is their email address. I hide behind Myspace and Facebook like everyone else. Secondly I'm pretty sure writing a personal note is the last thing I'd want to do. "Hey...um... you. Remember that awesome night out with the laughing and the good times? Well turns out it cost ya a little more than a $128 bar tab. My bad. Oh, and I'm gonna need your sister's email address."

Talk To The Back Window

2008-10-21T16:40:00.011-04:00

"Driving LED Emoticon

The battery powered device is attached to your back window. You have a wireless remote up front that you can attach to the dash board, in the console, or you can have it free, in your pocket or something. From there, you can choose from 5 optons.

1. Happy Face
2. Sad Face
3. Thanks
4. Back Off
5. Idiot"

This is genius! Seriously. Remember when they made those 'Baby On Board' back window signs and we took it one step further and made one for everything possibly funny that could be on board? 'Jewish Mother In Law In Trunk' and other gems like that.

I see a hot trend about to break. Kane and I did some research and found the most obvious new LED signs:

1. The obligatory middle finger sign
2. "Kiss My Grits"
3. "You give me a boner"
4. "Back Off - I'm Uninsured"

Trust me the last one works. I've been doing that for years with a bottle of white shoe polish. Haven't had to brake check anyone since.

New Reason To Want The Window Seat

2008-10-21T14:00:00.007-04:00

According to Coolestgadgets.com

"Well, this new invention are LED roof tiles which, in addition to protecting the home from the elements, can now send air travelers a message. Made by Lambert Kamps, these transparent roof tiles have LEDs built in which can also generate mosaics of text, pictures, and any other graphical color content the home owner desires. The images can also be animated giving any message atop of the roof punch. And all powered by a series of self contained solar-photovoltaic cells."

Now American Airlines is going to know how I really feel about them losing my luggage. Take that "cease and desist" letter!

Tomb Knocker

2008-10-21T12:45:00.004-04:00

"Just in time for Halloween, Japan's Solid Alliance has unveiled the USB Key Skull Ring. Available in black, silver, pink, gold, purple and blue, the tiny storage device is perfect for the geek who also fancies himself as a dark lord of the night, or just someone looking for a techie accessory for their Halloween outfit. Packing a full 2 gigabytes of gothic style memory capacity, you can pick up the ring for just $145.50 here."

WAIT WAIT WAIT! Did it just say I could get this for $145.50?! I'll take one in each color please.

psst.. I saw a 'non data storage' one at the mall for $3.99. Just throwin that out there.

Maybe THIS explains why Criss Angel adorns his hands with all of those ugly rings. He just wants to carry his family vacation photos and the second draft of his term paper everywhere he goes. I knew we'd get to the bottom of that.. cause ain't no way he thought it was just "cool".

Pumpkin Propaganda

2008-10-21T12:29:00.006-04:00

"This Halloween you'll probably carve up a pumpkin with a goofy face. So did Alan Penner from Goleta, California, but his is geeky enough to join us here at the DVICE Tower with its instant-messenger-style smiley charm."

Someone needs a break from the computer. When I think "what the hell am I gonna carve into my pumpkin", I don't think the on button to my PS3.

Leave it to geeks to ruin a cool holiday for me. What's next christmas trees shaped like a motherboard? Thanksgiving turkey carved into a robot?? Ok the turkey one does sound awesome.. But still. Why can't you be like everyone else and carve a drunk puking pumpkin for me and Kane to come steal and run over with our car?

Kane and I just went and scored us some pumpkins. And to answer your question... Yes getting hammered, stealing the hayride tractor and starting an impromptu parade downtown does count as a 'DUI'. Who knew?

WTF Is WTF?

2008-10-20T18:24:00.007-04:00

"Last year, state officials notified nearly 10,000 holders of license plates with the letter combination "WTF" that they could get a replacement at no charge after officials learned that the combination is a common acronym in text messaging for a vulgar phrase, "What the ..."

But while tracking down the errant plates, no one at the Division of Motor Vehicles checked their own Web site. "WTF-5505" is shown as a sample of a personalized plate.

"I can't believe it," DMV Commissioner Bill Gore said Monday when alerted to the situation. "Obviously, I didn't know it was there.

The DMV was alerted to the vulgar message last July when a 60-year-old technology teacher from Fayetteville complained about the plate. Her teenage grandchildren clued her in."

Well it looks like DMV is way ahead of the... wait? They just figured out what 'WTF' stands for? I mean my grandpoppy doesn't know what it means but he thinks corn is a hearty meal and does NOT work for DMV. So he's off the hook.

I love that it was a 60 year old that blew the whistle on this situation. I know someone that's not going to have to wait 4 hours in the wrong line anymore.

Now that DMV is wising up I'm starting to worry my 'PHUKUIRS' plate is in jeopardy. Oh well, it was worth it.

Ode To Laptop

2008-10-20T18:00:00.000-04:00

"Now available online from DataVision is the Asus F6V scented laptop that comes in such fragrances as floral blossom, morning dew, blue ocean, and dark musk. For a mere $1275, you can garner attention with the F6V’s striking color patterns and the odoriferous fragrance that emanates from the LCD cover. For those actually considering such a unique laptop, the specs are not too bad: Intel Core 2 Duo Processor 2.26GHz, 13.3″ LCD Display, 4GB DDR2 800MHz RAM, 320GB SATA Hard Drive, and Windows Vista Home Premium."

I'm showing this to you against my will because they have yet to take my suggestion and introduce the bacon scent one. It needed to be said.

It appears that some tech genius found a way to cover up the horrid scent of the online gamer dork and porn aficionado that won't shower. And on behalf of the rest of Starbucks, we'd like to say thank you.

Just Eat It!

2008-10-20T12:59:00.006-04:00

"The Nike (Burger) Air Max 90, commissioned by Nike for design by Ole Hemmendorff and 7 other creative minds, is a shoe which might prove to be the tastiest footwear ever created. Hemmendorff claims that the shoe is designed with hamburger because the meat is “the most powerful, must durable and most delicious material known to man.” Now that’s a man who loves his beef."

So if you wanna walk around all day and feel like you've just stepped in shit then Nike's gotta surprise for you! Otherwise this is the dumbest thing I've ever seen.

What the hell is going on over at Nike these days? Did they fire all of the real designers and hire a bunch of stoners? Or maybe they were listening in on my late night drunk brain storming ideas and brought one of my "that would be f'n awesome" ideas to life. If that's the case I sure do hope Slip N Slide is working on the 'baby oil sprinkler' idea I had this weekend. Zero to 60 on a Slip N Slide... f'n awesome.

Baby Borrowers

2008-10-19T13:49:00.008-04:00

Even though I placed gold in the Vodka Olympics this weekend, I still feel like I'm being punished. I'm forced to watch "weekend tv". It's always hard to pick between Lifetime or a Wings marathon but luck has it there was another choice.

I have just discovered the show "Baby Borrowers" and I have 2 words to describe it "gotdamn genius!" If you're not familiar with this show, they take terminally stupid teenage couples, that want to have babies, and give them stranger's kids to take care of. These couples have to juggle not just a toddler but also working and household responsibilities. The result... are you sitting down? They changed their mind about wanting a baby!

I personally don't understand why these teens WANT kids. Sure babies are good for laughing at, stealing stuff for you and allowing you to use the HOV lane, but beyond that they look like they're a big mess.

This show is a great learning tool if you have a teenage kid. Thanks to this reality check these kids can go back to trying to score pot and gettin wasted off their mom's White Zinfandel. Crisis averted!

Shed Unwanted Cool Points Fast!

2008-10-19T10:18:00.001-04:00

Scooter is on the mend.. I think this empty bottle of Vodka laying in bed with me gave me the flu. That's the only explanation, I can think of, for why I feel like something a cat coughed up.

Not one to let people down, I've tried to find a way to continue writing without actually sitting all the way up. Low and behold! What have I found?

The "Boom Arm Starbase Workstation"! If the stupid name doesn't give it away that it was made for fat geek dudes that need a "hands free" time in bed, then maybe this pic will help seal the deal.

All I know is thanks to some lazy pervert I can continue working and never burn another calorie. USA!

Now That's Gangsta

2008-10-18T14:44:00.004-04:00

If you ever feel like you're a bad parent, you may be right, but look you're not alone.

Lil Derrick, or as I like to call him 'future inmate number 9473558', earned himself a sweet ass GTA San Andreas birthday cake for accomplishing turning 4. Complete with it's very own stripper dollar bills starter kit. You know, for next years strip-o-gram b-day.

Good luck Lil Derrick.. You're gonna need it.

Economy Proof Hookers. God Bless 'Em!

2008-10-17T12:48:00.005-04:00

The NY Daily News has a fascinating look at how the worlds oldest profession is fairing in the growing financial crisis.

"The market is down, business is down, but we feel it less," said Dylan, 24, a promotional model-turned-Manhattan prostitute. "We're still busy."

Dylan works for a Manhattan madam who runs a pair of prostitution dens north of Wall Street. Unlike the $4,000-an-hour girls of male fantasies or gubernatorial road trips, Madam Sadie's employees charge $260 for 60 minutes - or $160 for 30 minutes.

"The $1,000-an-hour girls are just not making it" with the economic downturn, the madam said. The faltering economy actually drove two of her newer employees to the madam's sex-peddling service from other careers."

It's good to know that the wealthy have to scale back and that even includes their paid sex budget. I feel a little closer to these rich folk now.

After looking at my poor 401K I've decided to move my money to the "mid-grade hooker call girl" fund. That exists right? Ok good.

I figured they'll always be in demand so long as there's Dungeons and Dragons and dad's that forgot their son's 18th b-day.

Do we even need to comment on the: "The market is down, business is down, but we feel it less."... yea I didn't think so.

Photo: nydailynews.com

That's One Holy Lunch

2008-10-17T11:12:00.005-04:00

"The brainchild of industrial designer Sung Bae Chang, the Scan Toaster connects to your computer via USB and can burn pretty much whatever you want onto your bread. The toaster utilizes a network of toasting "modules" -- hot wires that rotate within a 30 degree radius -- that burn the image or text you have selected onto the delicious slice of your choice."

Oh snap! If I make 12 Virgin Marys and a few Jesus ones a day I can totally quit my job.. suck it health insurance! Well Kane, off to the kitchen, these magestic sammiches aren't going to make themselves.

Update: Kane ate them all and I'm in the market for employment.

Ginormous Burger: It's What's For Dinner

2008-10-17T10:32:00.005-04:00

"In this Monday, Oct. 13, 2008 photo released by Denny's Beer Barrel Pub, Brad Sciullo of Uniontown, Pa., is seen before attempting to eat a 15-pound cheese burger with five-pounds of toppings including bun, lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, onions, mild banana peppers and a cup each of ketchup, mustard, relish, and mayonnaise at Denny's Beer Barrel Pub in Clearfield, Pa., Monday, Oct. 13, 2008. Sciullo finished the concoction in 4 hours and 39 minutes."

Kane could have done this in his sleep. He just wanted me throw that out there... done and done.

It's good to know in a struggling economy we're not wasting fo.... wait.

ps. Brad your cardiologist just called and wanted to thank you for the new vacation home in Del Boca Vista.

Photo: AP Photo/Logan Cramer, Denny's Beer Barrel Pub

Taxes On The Rocks

2008-10-17T10:01:00.004-04:00

"Sodora founded Tavern Tax in 2005. For 10 weeks leading up to the April 15 deadline to submit U.S. income tax returns, he brings his tax-filing services to bars on weekday nights and weekend afternoons. At an Irish pub on Wednesday night, Sodora set up shop under a "Tavern Tax" sign with a fold-up table covered with a framed photo of laughing friends, his laptop and a lamp. One by one, clients relaxed in the chair across from him, handing over documents and sipping on beer. "I always say to people, 'Where's your beer? I can't have one but you can."

OMG! It's like someone gave me Christmas in April! I've always said "we should go to a bar with all our personal documents... get shit faced... and trust a stranger to do our taxes!".. ok maybe I haven't ALWAYS said that but I do now.

I like how he encourages you to drink. I'm 6 Jim Beams to the wind, he's 6 W-2's to the wind and now I owe more than I made last year. Oh this guy is good.

Say What?

2008-10-16T12:52:00.002-04:00

"One of my favorite artists, Evan Roth, is working on a project that will be released soon - the pictures say it all, it's a "carry on" communication system. These metal places contain messages which will appear when they are X-Rayed. The project isn't quite done yet, Evan needs access to an X-Ray machine to take some photos and document. If you have access to an X-Ray machine he's willing to give you a set of the plates for helping out"

Oh my damn! It's about time they made something to mock overworked underpaid TSA security guards! Am I right?

If I can give you a piece of advice, pull this stunt AFTER you've hit the airport bar and enjoyed one or seven Jack and Cokes. It takes the edge off from the taser gun. Trust me.

This is the greatest idea since the time Kane and I went to that foam party in Cabo and I got an eye infection and my wallet stolen.

What's Next? Carpal Funnel... sigh

2008-10-16T11:04:00.000-04:00

"Bring joyful and happiness on your desk!
Ferris wheel will spin when you're typing. You type, it spins! You stop, it stops! It is a fun and innovative gadget toy on your desk. Get one to break the boring atmosphere in the office. And it also a great gift for your kids and friends!"

Yeah this looks like a great idea. Fun for all ages!*

*All ages excluded.

Picture not convincing enough how great this is? Here's a link to the video action.. http://www.gadget4all.com/prod_detail.php?prod_id=00487

Get Your Cat To Hate You: Just Enough

2008-10-16T10:16:00.000-04:00

"Does this product really need a description?"

I've always said if you're gonna go crazy.. go big or go home!

I would never disrespect Kane this way. I mean your pet needs to know that you don't laugh at their expense... hang on... "No Kane! I'll let you know when you can take the wax lips off" *laughing ass off*.

Ok where was I? ah yes, r*e*s*p*e*c*t.. sock it to me sock it to me.

Photos: Jill Johnson

Cheney... Out!

2008-10-16T09:15:00.000-04:00

So last night's debate.... any thoughts?

I have a question, where is that crazy third party rascal that's supposed to show up and f up the votes?? I would have been perfect for that spot. Damn you 'Ice Road Truckers!'... It's trucks on ice people.

I can't help but be a little saddened when I think of Bush and Cheney having to part ways. I imagine their final dinner like the end of a Real World season, just sittin around toasting to the good times.

Bush: I sure am gonna miss you Mr. Cheney. And that's a truthity.

Cheney: mmm hmmm

Bush: May I be exused?

Cheney: Finish your plate. What have I told you about starving children?

Bush: They make good suits?

Cheney: Stop talking. You're making my angina hurt.

I know sad right?

It's Official: A-Rod Hates His Penis

2008-10-16T09:05:00.001-04:00

Well folks, Guy and Madonna "Guns" Ritchie have officially called it quits.

Allegations would have it that the Material "Girl" is romantically involved with Alex Rodriguez, Yankees dude.

Hopefully A-Rod is good at 'she looks like a man' puns because I really don't want to have to look at more pics of this 'Guy' Ritchie. (oh look I had one more in me.. who knew?)

Photo: INFdaily.com

Duggar Party of 600: Your Table Is Now Ready

2008-10-16T06:01:00.000-04:00

"The Duggar family from Arkansas has 19 members which wouldn't be unusual if some of the members were cousins and grandparents -- but in the Duggars case 17 of them are children. And now all 19 members of the Duggar family will welcome viewers into their big world with a new Discovery show called "17 Kids and Counting."

The show will center around the every-growing Duggars clan who have become a pop culture phenomenon with regular appearances on talk shows and a large online following."

I always wondered how parents of 17 kids (wait.. 18) feed their family. And it looks like whorin' them out on reality tv is my answer. USA!

This family scares the b-jebus out of me. Do they not get cable where they live? Cause many wives avoid over populating by using a good ol "Murder She Wrote" marathon as birth control. So I hear.

I just imagine the birthing process for her is a little less than conventional. And by 'less than conventional' I mean these kids roll out on one of those mini motorized kid's Jeep. *beep* *beep*

2008-10-16T05:22:00.000-04:00

This is a real "Fuck the Rain" umbrella. Just in case you wanted to make it clear on where you stand regarding the elements.

I'm pretty sure Mother Nature has a great sense of humor... *lightening strike*... or not.

ps. I love how they use a 6 year old to model this. Brilliant

http://www.artlebedev.com/everything/fuck-the-rain/

What To Give a Baby That Has Everything?

2008-10-15T13:53:00.003-04:00

"Your little one will look fabulous in these soft crib shoes designed to look like high heels! Each pair of heelarious heels is packaged in a darling purse-shaped gift box, complete with a rhinestone closure. Leopard satin heel with black satin lining for infants size 0-6 months."

Why you ask? Why not sooner, I say!

People mold children from infancy to do all sorts of things. Farmers, crime fighting scrap bookers and now the world of adult entertainment.

I know it's been a while but I don't remember being particularly good on my feet when I was 0-6 months.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, if they would put more baby products in the Camel catalog we wouldn't have these stupid ideas. Nothing screams "my life is gonna suck" more than a baby in a Smokin Joe t-shirt. Oh 'cept maybe one in leopard high heels.

Orange You Glad

2008-10-14T21:37:00.001-04:00

I'm not going to pretend to be an expert on fake tanning. Although, I will say that I am an expert on making fun of ridiculously uneven Dorito colored women.

It's getting to be that time of year where you have to get creative to maintain your bronze hue. I understand there's different routes to take, and in all honesty I couldn't care less about any of them. All I ask is that you try to shoot for the goal of looking human.

I'm pretty sure looking like someone just finished a bag of Cheetos, and used your face as a napkin, is not the look you were going for. Or feet that look like they belong to a corpse. Or that awful thing it does to make your hands look like you've been milking carrots. If you were any more orange Street King Midas would try to eat you. He loves carrots! No wait.. hookers... he loves hookers.

Photo: Mike Guastella, WireImage.com

2008-10-14T20:23:00.000-04:00

"Ice ahoy!! You get 4 ocean liners and 4 icebergs. Just add gin, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Kate Winslet for a perfect party."

It's no secret that I'm a huge fan of faux ice cube plastic molds but I'm having a hard time enjoying this one.

I just find it a little hard that two drinks into my "winding down" ritual of the evening, I look to my glass and am reminded of a tragic fatal event.

You know the very same tragic event that made Celine Dion a household name. TRAGIC!

I won't even go into how lame this product description is. I have a lot of different ideas of what the "perfect party" is and none of them involve me sitting around staring at my glass and yelling "you sunk my battleship!"

2008-10-14T20:15:00.000-04:00

Introducing the Condometric!

And this people is the last piece of evidence, that I need, to prove God is in fact a woman. The defense rests it's case.

2008-10-14T11:10:00.001-04:00

According to W Magazine, Angelina Jolie sees nothing wrong with a 7 year old packin heat. I second that.

"Every family has its unique rites of passage, those generational milestones that mark a child’s growth and remind parents of their own similar experiences, years earlier. In the Jolie-Pitt household, one such event is the day a kid begins collecting daggers. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s seven-year-old son, Maddox, like many boys his age, has lately developed a fondness for guns and knives, and Jolie proudly notes that the predilection runs in the family."

What is it that I'm trying to say... ah yes... Are you frickin kidding me!?

It's hard enough to have a big brother that uses you as a punching bag because he hasn't developed coping skills yet. But to have that brother armed!

Sure, big bros are cool for protecting you from bullies (which is totally ironic to me considering that my brother told me I had to be "jumped in" to the family). And they're good at helping you look for your "real family" (which we never found by the way).

But I'll tell you what they're not good at... Bearing arms.

Quote: W Magazine

One Apology to the Smart Car.. Coming Up.

2008-10-14T10:18:00.000-04:00

I totally stand corrected! I was so quick to write off the Smart Car and then I found this.

Not that I needed help, but this just proves my point that everything is better on monster tires... trucks, smart cars, my margarita machine.

Treats for Tricks

2008-10-14T09:07:00.000-04:00

Well it's that time of year folks. You guessed it. Time for girls with daddy issues to dress in as little as the law will allow. God bless em!

Hey I've got no problem with that. Flaunt it if you got it, I always say. But remember, as Pepe's blog so profoundly says, one size DOES NOT fit all ladies. I can't be any clearer than that.

Kane and I are still working on our costumes. I want to go as a 'naughty PC' and him as a 'whorish Mac' but I can't get the keys to stick to his fur. The hot glue gun is warming up now, I'm pretty sure that'll fix our problem.

WTF?

2008-10-13T19:11:00.000-04:00

"Google released a useful new Gmail feature yesterday in its labs, which could help prevent the intoxicated from sending embarrassing late-night emails they might regret in the morning.

When activated, the program will force a user to solve a series of math problems before allowing any message to be sent."

Yeah that's great but I'm a super genius and can answer these baby questions in less than 43 seconds. Now what?

Hey Google on behalf of the world of drunks (which I'm not only a member, I'm the President) thanks for nothin.

Call me when AT&T comes up with a Drunk Dial Prevention Plan. I'll pay an extra $4.95/month for a dude to karate chop me in my throat right before my ex answers their phone. Hell I'd pay a full 5 bucks.

Scooter

"Chaos often breeds life, when order breeds habit" - Henry Brooks Adams

Revenge CD

2008-10-13T16:31:00.001-04:00

"Ah, Revenge is sweet, especially when extracted from your annoyingly loud neighbors! This CD features some really disturbing noises... unforgettable tracks like Unhappy Dog, the agonizing squeal of Violin Practice, and the exquisitely excruciating din of House Party."

I can't tell if this is genius or just a way to get yourself shot? You're totally right.. genius! Been a while since this nation had a good ol Hatfield and McCoy fued. I'll let you know how it goes.

Update: The doctor removed most of the bullet and I'm healing nicely. Go science!

2008-10-13T12:16:00.000-04:00

If you're fortunate enough to not know these people consider yourself lucky. I mean like "adopted Cambodian kid by a one Angelina Jolie" lucky. All you need to know about them is they are narcissistic media whores that somehow got their hands on, what can only be, the most valuable black mail ever. That's the only conclusion I have for why they are relevant.

Listen I'm all for higher powers. But I have a question for Jesus. Out of all the celebrities and power players in Hollywood, and out of all of the people that thank you for giving them tons of money and over rated trophies, you pick this chick to rep you?

Hey I get that it's a challenge to weed out the gays and women that wear pants but come on. She's running around town telling everyone you guys are best friends. EMBARRASSING!

Wait, do you think God likes to drink as much as I do? That's the only logical explanation I can think of... just kidding. No seriously give me the keys Big Guy.

Photo: Pacific Coast News

God Bless Em!

2008-10-12T12:48:00.000-04:00

My dad tried to instill as much wisdom as possible. He taught me gems like "Don't drink and drive, cause when you hit a bump it spills and makes a mess." You know the usual.

One thing he taught me, that I think is worth passing on, is the art of softening the blow of degradation.

He said you can say whatever you want about someone as long as you end it with "God Bless Em." Sound too easy? Try it.

"That girl is such a whore! God bless her!"

"What an idiot! God bless him"

"Kim K's dump truck ass. God bless it!"

Checkmate!

Gas Prices On The Mend

2008-10-12T09:27:00.000-04:00

Word is that gas prices are going down. Finally Kane and I can get back to our attempt at space travel. If he could just perfect the art of drooling in a gravity free environment we'd be good to go.

Our goal is to do a tour of all of the planets. I'm pretty sure that's doable. I AM a triple A member. I'd just like to see all of the solar systems rest stops. I've learned more at truck stops than I have from books.

Like the one armed, truck stop, prostitute that said to me: "Scooter, look up sympathy in the dictionary. It's somewhere between shit and syphilis." If Hennessy, with her 3rd grade diploma and one arm can teach me something that deep, can you imagine what space hookers will teach me!?

I'll give you time to wrap your brain around that one.

Everything I Need To Know I Learned In Traffic Court

2008-10-12T04:03:00.002-04:00

Some people say living life is a better education than a text book. My dad would disagree but for the sake of science we'll hear these people out.

I've found that one challenging situation can teach us tons. Let's take a day in traffic court for me and all of the things I learned the hard way.

1) Don't wink at the judge. He's already pissed that he's a traffic court judge. Now you're just patronizing him.

2) Do not refer to him as "Your Highness", "His Holiness" or giggle at "Your On Her". Oh and don't call the traffic cop "Sergeant Pepper". Trust me.

3) While waiting for your name to be called on the docket. Don't kill time by trying to start the wave.

4) When the guy before you gets taken into custody due to his 46th driving on suspended, don't jump up and yell "You can't handle the truth!"

5) And lastly when you're before the judge and he reduces your charges do not break into the Super Bowl Shuffle.

Ok grasshopers, go live long and prosper.