Scooter Is The New Black

Teach Them Well And Let Them... Loan Me 20 Bucks

noreply@blogger.com (Scooter) — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 13:33:00 +0000

The Japanese are helping you teach your kids how to be fiscally responsible AND about the birds and the bees.. all in one (money) shot.

Just put some coin in this bad boy and watch 2 pigs or 2 elephants (tough choice, I know) show you their animal excitment. If this happened at my bank I'd probably pick up a second job for the extra cash. Just sayin.

So if I've got this right... I just told my neice that she's not to give it up without any money. Thank me later big bro... Thank me later.

Let's Paint the Town... er, LED?

noreply@blogger.com (Scooter) — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 13:17:00 +0000

Like to mix your style with a little tech'ness and a whole lotta 'ready to party'? Well mission status? Accomplished! Now you can have your very own DIY pair of sneaks that let's you be the hit of the rave. Or get hit by a raver. I can't remember which. Either way, running from the cops or hiding your bladder problem at the movies is no longer an option for you. But being totally awesome and probably attracting bugs is definitely in your future! Nice!

Desperation Equals Funny: At Least Google Feels So

noreply@blogger.com (Scooter) — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 21:38:00 +0000

I've always said that this world was full of crazy people and here Google goes and proves me wrong. Touche Google. Touche.

Really? 883,000,000 results of "Why do I have no friends"... Besides not being a fan of Scooter Is The New Black.. the only other result we could think of was that you are actually asking a data warehouse this question.

I ran up to an ATM once and asked why I was so broke. It didn't spit out cash. I'm assuming the results are similar here. Well except you're not on camera and won't end up getting robbed for your pre-paid cell phone.

For the sake of thorough journalism I've decided to include a few of my favorites from this research.

* 286,000: I would like to extend you an invitation to the pants party (at Jason's house, in Jason's pants) (Really??! 286K results to Jason's pants?)

* 21,900,000: I have one more drink. (Sounds like a problem...)

* 1,060,000: Sex is for making babies and revenge. (That's true.)

* 3,290,000: Who do I have to be to make you sleep with me. (Let's start with your address... oh and a list of what meds you're on.. we'll go from there.)

Source: Gizmodo

This Is Exactly Why We Don't Do Dentists!

noreply@blogger.com (Scooter) — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 14:01:00 +0000

If you've caught the interweb phenomenom of little David leaving the dentist, than you may enjoy this. Thanks to the Upright Citizens Brigade and YouTube scientists we can now see lil David 20 years from now.

We feel your pain Davie boy... I've been it sayin it for years... They need to make a divorce attorney/anesthesiologist office. That will make it a whole hella lot easier to take the news that all your shit is gone.

My dad always said... "I lost the child custody battle... somehow I got the kids". USA USA USA!!

"Marco!".... "Keep It Down I'm Talkin To My Bookie"

noreply@blogger.com (Scooter) — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 01:00:00 +0000

"The Isophone is essentially a telecommunications device providing a service that can be described simply as a meeting of the telephone and the floatation tank. The user wears a helmet that blocks out all peripheral sensory distraction whilst keeping the head above the surface of the water… a space is created for providing a pure, distraction free environment for making a telephone call."

Now that's what I call a "hands free" device. I may need a bigger car but totally worth it!

Has the demand for swimming and party lines gone up and no one told me? I can get on board with that. Hmmm I wonder if a "breast stroke" costs 3.95 a minute from this thing too?!

*Update* Yes. Yes it does. Still worth it.

dvice.com

Like Time Through the Shreddy Thing... So Are the Days of Our... Nevermind

noreply@blogger.com (Scooter) — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 01:30:00 +0000

"The Chrono-Shredder is a device that reminds us of the preciousness of our lifetime. It represents the passing of time by shredding the days of the year – printed on a paper roll – at a slow constant rate. To shred one day takes 24 hours. There is no “off”-button. As the seconds pass by, the tattered remains of the past pile up under the device…

This asks, what people would do if there were given the ability to hibernate — and so, stop their natural ageing. Would they regard natural ageing as threat? Will they start counting their "awake" hours like they count calories today?"

Nope can't see that annoying any of your coworkers. Lucky for you it's not sharp enough to feed you through... Sorry folks, you're still gonna have to use the old fashion wood chipper to cure your "alimony problems".

Is it me or is this product descrip a little heavy? We hibernate plenty here... What do you mean blacking out is NOT hibernating? I beg to differ but I'm too busy picking up piles of paper shit off the floor to argue about this. Thanks for nuthin!

susannahertrich.com

Chia's Vote For Change

noreply@blogger.com (Scooter) — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 01:25:00 +0000

At first I thought this was a little racist.. Then I remembered Chia broke down the race barrier years ago with a Mr T Chia pet. Boy am I embarrassed at my former assumption.

Not quite the 'stimulus' I was looking for... but at this point... I'll take it.

Can't live without one of these gems? How unfortunate for you. But luckily Amazon.com can meet your needs.

Playing This Guitar MAY Make You To Go Blind

noreply@blogger.com (Scooter) — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 00:37:00 +0000

"This started out as a Cort Stratocaster copy.

I bought it on-line. But when I took it apart it turned out the body was plywood. So I decided to have some fun. I made a new body out of Cherry wood, added some maple for a new headstock, made a new pickguard and... voila!

The wangcaster was on the Graham Norton TV show, in Great Britain, where he showed it to Bon Jovi, who said "wow, that guitar has balls!" - Gus Curran

Bands have been created for a number of reasons... True love of music, getting laid, maybe to fill up your Saturday night plans because you're not gettin invited to the big dance. Whatever it may be... the fine makers of the Wangcaster are here to undo all of your hard work.

I'm not sure I would have been as forthright as Gus about my vision of a playing with balls on stage. But hey... just leaves us the chance to make our Boobcaster.

*Boobcaster - patent pending"

Source: carverdoug.com/wang.html

Who Said Video Games Weren't Educational?

noreply@blogger.com (Scooter) — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 00:50:00 +0000

6-year-old takes family car after missing bus

"WICOMICO CHURCH, Va. — A 6-year-old Virginia boy who missed his bus tried to drive to school in his family's sedan — and crashed. His parents were charged with child endangerment. State police said the boy suffered only minor injuries and authorities drove him to school after he was evaluated at a local hospital for a bump on his head. He arrived shortly after lunch, Sgt. Tom Cunningham said.

It happened around 7:40 a.m. Monday on Route 360, about 61 miles east of Richmond.

The boy, whose name wasn't released, missed the bus, took the keys to his family's 2005 Ford Taurus and drove nearly six miles toward school while his mother was asleep, police said.

He made at least two 90-degree turns, passed several cars and ran off the rural two-lane road several times before hitting an embankment and utility pole about a mile and a half from school.

The boy told police he learned to drive playing Grand Theft Auto and Monster Truck Jam video games.

"He was very intent on getting to school," said Northumberland County Sheriff Chuck Wilkins. "When he got out of the car, he started walking to school. He did not want to miss breakfast and PE."

All I know is if I ever get me one of these "6 year olds" I want them to have this kid's ambition. He get's himself up and dressed, already figured out breakfast and PE are the best parts of school, knows how to drive a car 6 miles (!) before crashing AND after being in the hospital STILL made it to history class. That's like 10 times more than we did today.

I think we just found a play date for Lil Derrick .

It's Christmas PEW PEW

noreply@blogger.com (Scooter) — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 01:51:00 +0000

There's decorating and there's DECORATING. Then there's this fuckin thing. Every year I run into the same problem... Kane not holding the ladder still while I awesome up the house for the holidays. Looks like those days are over. Alls we need now is a pile of paper shred, cannon air gun, good eye doctor, and some glue. Then what?? You guessed it.. That shit's Christmas'd!

He's A Real Tiger In The...... Uh Office?

noreply@blogger.com (Scooter) — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 22:25:00 +0000

"The South Korean guy shown in the video looks like a pretty average businessman when he sits at his desk or attends meetings at his company. However, whenever he needs to leave a chair and go somewhere, he gets down on all fours and walks like a tiger. Apparently he had been suffering health problems, but after reading a newspaper article about the benefits of such a walking style, he began walking like a tiger all the time. He gets a lot of funny looks in public and it can be hard for his coworkers to speak with him while walking somewhere together, but he claims that the tiger walk has greatly improved his health. He’s even attracted a few followers and formed an organization of people who walk on all fours!"

I'd like to know what these "health problems" were first before I make any assumptions. Because if he suffered from good posture, clean hands and a social life then I understand him wanting to rid himself of such ailments.

This is why Kane and I pay extra for good health insurance.

Source: Japanprobe.com

Satan's Stuffed Army. A Stocking Stuffer If I've Ever Seen One

noreply@blogger.com (Scooter) — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 14:40:00 +0000

Slightlywarped.com really knows it's target market. Here it is Christmas and what better time to release these knittings for all the good lil boys and girls.

I don't have kids or nieces or nephews.. It's a pretty known fact that kids aren't allowed around me period. But man.. it's times like this I really wish I had a kid to get a gift for. It's not like I'm the one that has to pay for the therapy. Who's with me?

Don't Forget To Have Your Robo-Dog Spade Or Neutered

noreply@blogger.com (Scooter) — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 13:24:00 +0000

Holy F ME! A giant fire breathing robo-dog motorcycle villain!! Can you imagine seeing Larry (horribly named btw) coming at you? Let's just hope you're capable of running faster than a coma patient. Otherwise you're totally fucked.

Do You Wall Take This Crazy Lady

noreply@blogger.com (Scooter) — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 14:09:00 +0000

"A Swedish woman with a fetish for inanimate objects has revealed she's been married to the Berlin Wall for 29 years.

Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer, 54, whose surname means Berlin Wall in German, wed the concrete structure in 1979, reports the Daily Telegraph.

Mrs Berliner-Mauer, who has been diagnosed with a condition called Objectum-Sexuality, claimed she fell in love with the wall when she first saw it on TV as a child.

She began collecting "his" pictures and saving up for visits. On her sixth trip in 1979 they tied the knot before a handful of guests.

While she remains a virgin with humans, she insists she had a full, loving relationship with the wall.

Mrs Berliner-Mauer, who lives in Liden, northern Sweden, said: "I find long, slim things with horizontal lines very sexy.

"The Great Wall of China's attractive, but he's too thick - my husband is sexier."

While the rest of mankind rejoiced when the Berlin Wall was largely torn down in 1989, its "wife" was horrified.

She's never been back and now has only model to remind her of "his" former glory.

Mrs Berliner-Mauer, who has shifted her affections to a nearby garden fence, said: "What they did was awful. They mutilated my husband."

Can you imagine being this woman's "second husband"?? oy!

"Well Berlin Wall never gave me splinters"... "HE never had chipped paint!"

How could you live up to that? This poor garden fence is just praying for a drunk driver to plow it over or maybe a nice case of termites. Which can totally be arranged btw. I've actually been looking for a reason to break up with my ol' ball n chain parking meter. She's just a gold... 'er silver digger.

Source: ananova

Gangsta Granny: She'll Put a Cap In Yo Ass... Then Kiss It and Make It All Better

noreply@blogger.com (Scooter) — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 01:02:00 +0000

"A US company claims to have received federal approval to market a 9-mm handgun as a medical device and hopes the US government will reimburse seniors who buy the $300 firearm.

Called the Palm Pistol, the weapon is designed for people who have trouble firing a normal handgun due to arthritis and other debilitating conditions.

The sales information reads: "It is also ideal for seniors, disabled or others who may have limited strength or manual dexterity. Using the thumb instead of the index finger for firing, it significantly reduces muzzle drift, one of the principal causes of inaccurate targeting. Point and shoot couldn't be easier."

Hey you know what else makes for inaccurate targeting... glaucoma, dementia and Alzheimer's. Just sayin.

No this is a great idea. My nana is always feuding with the lady across the hall at her nursing home. We'll see what Iris has to say now when nana swipes her sugar free pudding cup...

*Update* - Nana needs bail money.

Photo: newscientist.com

Robot Girlfriend... Doesn't Fight Crime. What's The Point?

noreply@blogger.com (Scooter) — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 13:58:00 +0000

"Inventor Le Trung, 33, created Aiko, said to be "in her 20s" with a stunning 32, 23, 33 figure, shiny hair and delicate features.

So far she can understand and speak 13,000 different sentences in English and Japanese, so she's already fairly intelligent. "When I need to do my accounts, Aiko does all the maths. She is very patient and never complains."

He said he did not build Aiko as a sexual partner, but said she could be tweaked to become one. "Her software could be redesigned to simulate her having an orgasm and reacting to touch as if she is playing hard to get or being straight to the point," he said.

"Fem-bot" Aiko, who has cost £14,000 (~$21,000) to build so far, is a whizz at maths and even does Le's accounts.

Le, a scientific genius from Brampton in Ontario, Canada, said he never had time to find a real partner so he designed one using the latest technology.

I know plenty of girls that can speak 13,000 different sentences and they're fuckin idiots. So thanks but no thanks.

Le... my bro... you're going about this all wrong. You've put more money into her abilities to balance your checkbook than pleasure you.. Do you see where I'm going with this? Yep you guessed it.. you're just gonna have to build Aiko a sister and sleep with her. It's all in the name of science so you know... s'cool.

ps. She looks old enough (almost) to be on the Chinese gymnastic team. Maybe you should work on her back handspring step out. Pure gold!

Source: thesun

No Boarding Pass Needed For This Plane... Just An Eye Patch.

noreply@blogger.com (Scooter) — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 13:33:00 +0000

"Ready for take off. Take your paper airplane experience to electrifying new heights with The Electric Paper Plane Launcher! This fun kit was designed at Middlesex University, one of the leading design Universities in the UK. With simple assemble, you can discover how spinning motors and plastic discs can be used to launch a plane at over 30 mph! Imported. Wipe clean."

Thirty fuckin miles an hour!?! What's this thing supposed to do... impale vampires? hmmmm I can get on board with that... 'cause if this thing really is JUST a paper plane tosser I'll be pissed. Don't get me wrong.. I'm all for equality and if this gem helps armless people grant their one life long wish to throw a carefully crafted college ruled loose leaf sheet of paper.. well that's beautiful.

I will say that "spinning motors and plastic discs" sounds like a recipe for blood shed but someone needs to take a stand against these vampires. Have you seen their hair? Scary... I know.

ps. I challenge that this product warrants calling this school a "leading design university." There's no ode to bacon or advancement in porn privacy at work soooo let's just slow down with the acclamations.

Photo: urbanoutfitters.com

For Those That Like It From The Back: Thanks But No Thanks

noreply@blogger.com (Scooter) — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 01:53:00 +0000

"The Grippity is extremely weird looking, taking on a whole new dimension when it comes to typing as you are required to type from the back. The actual production model is finally ready, and it does not lose an iota of its coolness. You get a full QWERTY keyboard that allows for eight-finger typing yoga straight from the back, while a couple of triggers behind double up as mouse buttons."

Ever wanted to give your keyboard the 'ol reach around? Yeah me either... but just in case, the Grippity is your man... er keyboard.

For a mere $100 you can guarantee yourself frustration and a dash of arthritis. I'm pretty sure both of those are tax write offs... so go for it!

ps. I know a good dry wall guy for when you ninja star this ridiculous hunk of crap into the wall. Hit me up.

Photo: ubergizmo.com

Project Runway

noreply@blogger.com (Scooter) — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 00:28:00 +0000

"PITTSBURGH – A 24-year-old Ohio man was accused of driving drunk after was caught doing "doughnuts" on a snow- and ice-covered suburban Pittsburgh airport runway. Police said the man ignored orders to stop spinning on the runway of the Beaver County Airport. The airport is about 40 miles northwest of Pittsburgh.

Police said they followed the man to a parking lot where he told police he had permission from the Federal Aviation Administration to test brakes on the runway.

The man faces drunken driving and other related charges."

Holy Shit! Hang on!! *beep* *boop* *beep* *boop* *beep* *boop*

Me: Hello Mister FAA Prez? This is a very important airline customer. I've flown not once but twice to Del Boca Vista. Yes.. That is correct. Anyway.. would you mind tellin your security folks that me and my dog are coming to the airport to teach him how to drive stick on the runway. It's kind of important.. I'm too wasted to drive us home and we're at the airport Doubletree bar so this would be most convenient... Wha?? The hookers are cheaper at the aiport... have you seen this economy? Ok.. mmm hmmm... got it.. yep they're walking in now. Oh look you called it.. they're putting me in cuffs. A simple no would have done.

Article: Associated Press

Harry Potter Inspires New Sport Up North: It's Hella Wicked Uncool... Pissa

noreply@blogger.com (Scooter) — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 01:05:00 +0000

"The earthbound variation is called Muggle Quidditch. The sport originated in 2005 when a student at Middlebury College adapted the game for the nonmagical world. Its popularity quickly spread, and today more than 150 colleges throughout the United States have Quidditch teams.

As in the fictional game, each Muggle Quidditch team has seven players: three chasers, two beaters, a keeper, and a seeker. Chasers score points by throwing a quaffle, or volleyball, through one of three hoops (worth 10 points) while trying to avoid bludgers, or dodgeballs, that are thrown by beaters. (If chasers are hit by a bludger, they must drop the quaffle.) The keeper's job is to protect the three goalposts, while the seeker must capture the snitch -- a sock stuffed with tennis balls carried by a person (typically a cross-country runner) dressed in gold. Capturing the snitch nets an additional 30 points and ends the game."

The visual I have for this game is f'n ridiculous! So you mean you took the mystical magical sport of flying on broomsticks and chasing a ball with wings at unbelievable speeds and turned it into running around the quad with a volleyball and an idiot dressed in gold with 3 tennis balls stuffed in a sock?? Got it.

Man college sure has changed. I remember just a bunch of people gettin sickie woo wasted, sleeping with a lot of "6"s and praying to pass calculus. oh well... if living on ramen noodles and getting no exercise other than kegstands is wrong.. I don't wanna be right.

*Update* Nevermind I just saw the video and I've learned that the kids playing this are usually the ones that fuck up the grading curve. So hopefully with something for these nerds to do Kane can pass this Molecular Transgenics class.

What the hell.. here's the video.

Time Machine Clock Only Takes You Back To Confusedville

noreply@blogger.com (Scooter) — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 17:51:00 +0000

“The Time Machine Clock is a kinetic display device that eschews the normal conventions of a timepiece - hands, to you and me - and instead replaces them with an altogether more elaborate means of saying ‘ten past two’. A central spindle counts the seconds, releasing a ball every minute. Once five minutes is reached, the five minute ball is released. These balls accumulate until 12 have been released, whereupon the one hour ball is set free and rolls into place. This continues on the hour, every hour. Along the way, a precision movement mechanism ensures complete accuracy.”

That's just fascinating.. now will someone tell me what fuckin time it is please! If Kane's late to his yarn spinning class they charge me extra.

*Update*: Apparently thumbs are a prerequisite for the class. Great... I have no spun yarn and still no bloody idea what time it is.

Photo: Gadget Shop

Dinner's Ready: Now Who's Gonna Say Grace

noreply@blogger.com (Scooter) — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 17:49:00 +0000

Having the in-laws over this holiday and feel like your place needs some sprucin up? Well fear no more.. you're welcome.

I'm just glad to see my letters aren't going unread at Chandelier Design Digest.

Photo: Ballerhouse

Not the Crotch Rocket Your Grand-daddy Rode

noreply@blogger.com (Scooter) — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 02:02:00 +0000

That's quite the... umm.. hog you got there mister creepy body wave perm guy. Yeah I said body wave perm.. I'm sure I can take a guy that has more seats on his motorcycle than I have in my monster truck wheels Smart Car.

So much for not having to pick any of your loser no car having friends up because you're "on your bike". Way to go!

Well honestly I can't see what could go wrong with this ride. Looks safe and like whole HELL OF A LOTA fun. Now who's in charge of hand signals? Cause if I'm in the back I'm givin everyone the bird. Just a heads up.

Haute Couture's Got Nuthin On This

noreply@blogger.com (Scooter) — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 01:39:00 +0000

"Ideal for summer festivals and a fantastic choice for everyday camping this clever sleeping bag keeps you warm all night and makes for no extra carriage on the way home simply because, you wear it!"

One of the right hand homies of "Scooter Is The New Black", Cranky, is a big fan of both sleeping bags and walking. He's going to f'n flip when he sees this!

I'd like to know who the hell is wearing this to "summer festivals"?? I've been to my share of concerts, beer bashes, wine festivals, renaissance fairs and battle of the bands and I've never looked around and said "look at this tool.. he's not wearing his sleeping bag like the AOL running man."

Well lets just hope that as Pepe says... one size does not fit all because we'll have some serious problems. I hope they have one in my size... size sexy!

Photo: DrinkStuff

Australia Fights Back: Nude and Loud, Say It Proud!

noreply@blogger.com (Scooter) — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 21:26:00 +0000

CANBERRA (Reuters) – An Australian holiday resort will hold a month-long, nude "anything goes" party to combat an expected economic downturn, media reports said on Thursday.

"Tough economic times call for stiff measures," Tony Fox, the owner of the White Cockatoo resort in Mossman, in tropical Queensland state, told the Courier-Mail newspaper.

"It will be a hedonism resort, where anything goes for a month. It doesn't take rocket science to work out what it means," Fox said, naming March as the risque party month."

Kane and I just sold blood and now can finally get the vacation we deserve! Anything goes? You swear?? Hm Can't see anything that could go wrong there.

I'll go down.... under (I figured the article didn't have enough bad innuendos) for this kind of throwdown. See you in March mates!